In an instant I view this moment, yesterday or before.
The time drift teasing along my bedside,
I see my fingertips shaking in vibrations, longing for touch.
Left with no validation as the night sleeps, I'm awake dreaming.
My tongue deceives me. My mind fleets. Should I speak?
This deja vue reminds me as time creeps.
Explanation of all moments intertwined, satisfaction delights,
Quickly shifting backwards as it coincides,
I can see, it's too much for me.
The words make no sense to those who won't hear me.
My muttering, loss of attraction.
Silence is beauty,
Yet inside fires blazing.
Torching.
I've cried over my limit, I've said too much.
Back tracking to where I've left off.
Time tells, ashamed to be.
There's a women inside clawing.
Sexual energy, desire for me.
Her appetite for lust rising.
Grown out from loneliness, laid to rest,
Blossoming into what nature meant.

Solar plexus torn,
Chain of mesh absurd,
Long for freedom,
From the little demons,
Conceived by me.

I'd like to explore the world,
Taste life from another view,
Try out something new,
Leave.
Breathe.
Dance.
Relax.
I don't like the ego.
I don't care for being alone.
Left.

I wait behind all the time, why?
And when I escape for the brief take, there's silence in the home.
When I return, the chaos burns, my ears ring until I lose.
The end of my days I rather have quiet. Yet the uncontrolled brats loudly create havok,
Calmness is a blue moon.
I offer wisdom of joy that is not taken.
Repeat. Defeat.


I want a marriage, a commitment, a trust.
I have children.
Prance the parade.
I ask for too much in a way.
Yet I'd do anything.
My worth, a woman, a fairy tale abandoned.
Create a new life. Get that title. That label you want under conditions.
A true love under no conditions,
What you believe is nothing. 

The screams of children, what a delightful yet charming noise ringing in my ears. The daughter had a great Birthday and was the queen for the day, it carried through the rest of the week although it had become a royal pain in my ass. Sure, I want my daughter to smile and feel good about herself, but when I see that glimmer of spoiled brat syndrome shine in her eye I must bring it to a stop. If I hear her shouting and talking back to me in the whiniest way, I know it's time...To take all over her wonderful belongings that she received on her Birthday or how about everything? And of course she went ape.  And screamed that I should just throw them all away. Okay, you got it kiddo. Done. Just kidding. I will hold them hostage, most likely for a day, but really should be for a week, if not more.

I'm doing good I think. My mind likes to trick me sometimes though. I am convinced I have everything together, that I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. Only thing is I have a bad memory, so I often fall back into my insecure ways and forget. It really hurts sometimes. I lose sense of what's truly important and dwell on things I have no control over, and sometimes worse do and can't even recognize it. I am learning new philosophies on the mind and ego.  It makes sense to me. It seems that I have dug deeper into myself and am able to understand my certain behaviors. I'd really like to see a specialist..They could write down my feelings so I can remember them. I can't blame anyone. I am responsible for my life and how it is. I believe the environment affects us of course, but we put ourselves there whether it's a person or place and can control that. When I think about where I spend most of my waking hours I realize that it's at work. I walk through the door, put my apron on, punch in, say hello to whoever, walk down stairs, lift my arm up to block the walk in door to avoid painful slap in the head and walk down the aisle toward my department. I walk up to the counter and greet my boss. She has the biggest ego in the world. Insecure so much as if I have no expression she looks for one. Asks me questions, asks me if I am alright, numerous times, daily. Her eyes will squint and zero in on me with judgement if she does not believe my professional answer. The truth is I tense up and lose my soul when I enter her presence. I put on a smile and act energetic, focus positive attention to her and distract as much as possible. When I do not, I am watched like a hawk and considered a threat. I am observed on my looks daily. Fingernails check, hair style check...Mood check. I have unintentionally started my own experiment that now I am only able to see with this uninterrupted moment. I no longer wear makeup nor blow dry my hair. For over a month now. I just don't care. And I don't care about my position. It's a joke. And I laugh at the owners and the managers who think they are managing our department right by having me take this matter into my own and play mind games with my boss. I find it insane. The way I deal with this, is to not take it serious. If I am given responsibilities I take care of them. I work side by side with a person who insists on living in hell and taking me with them.....BUT. I do not have to go with them...And I will not. I will not take my family there with my own misery. I will not be miserable. I will play along until another opportunity arises. I sometimes worry that if I stay in this place and continue to strategize the people around me like pieces on a board game and if am not able to continue will it be because I lost my mind or because I love myself? WHY ME? Such a primitive question. Why anyone? Why not? That's more like it.

Coming from another isn't enough, 

Yet the negative words stand out,

You say have a wonderful day yet you mean the opposite, according to me. 

I know it isn't right to rot in front of the tv,

But when you can't handle your own life it's an escape from reality.

Paranoid social anxiety, I've dug deep in my head to find a monster. 

Hold tears back to not repeat, the sadness and despair I've created. 

I know now what I must seek and it cannot be from me, I've lost that ability. 

I guess I always knew what was there, I built on top of it.

And now I've dug deep in my brain and found the negative. 

The pressures gone too long and I could write another song and never go through with it, 

Jealousy and resentment have created a pitfall of a tiring mess. 

I wanna be happy for you and all that you do, but I'm hanging myself.

if i was a painter, would you buy my art

if i was a stranger, would we ever talk

 

I'm not much of a story teller these days,
The papers scattered on my floor left blank,
I can talk myself in circles, swear the next task I commit to will take.

Another day goes by,

And I am happy to say,

I got a lot going on that makes me smile,

Ain't nothing will get in the way. 

My daughter looks at me,

With her big blue eyes,

She say's "momma, won't you come and play?"

I'm gonna make the time today. 

Sometimes my plate gets high,

I cannot see on the other side,

When I take care of business I'm closer to the end...

Of the pile of papers and then I'll come and play. 

Another turn of light,
Maybe I'll catch some fireflys,
The iridescent glow has captured my eyes.

A long lost paradise,
Only was found by a surprise,
The ships got lost at sea and they've brought this to me.

So forget all your debt,
It's another thought and invisible tree.
The leaves may not grow, but the oxygen it'll only flow,
It's carried by the wind and into my lungs.

Wisdom comes with time,
I can see it in your face.
Your life means much more than you can take.

So I'll pretend not to look,
when you have your back turned,
you don't know what I know,
but I can tell that you want to.

And maybe one day you will.