Amanda Elizabeth | my life in black and white: January 2013

Thursday, January 31, 2013

I slept for six days and three hours,
In between the shut eye I was fed by a black cat.
The time spent drowsing was a blur, feels as though I've woken asleep.
Debilitated was all I could mumble..At first,
It hurts when they assume the worst, lost faith in ones word is a sad truth...
Who could blame them, I don't even trust my own father.

Sometimes I forget my name, walk around this cement maze....
But I remember my hope.
I dream of leisure and I know that someday my vision will come true.
That the turquoise sea and palms will be there.

My mind has been altered and the previous thoughts and beliefs are scattered all over the place.
What was altered has no relation to politics or religion....
But a open your eyes to life and know who you are.
Johnny isn't going to save you! Nor will Betty!
I will though,

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

This well was dug deep for me.

Drop a coin, make a wish...Look down.

I see condensation on the stones..

The water can't quite reach the pail I've let go.

I'd climb down if I was sure,

That all was desired wasn't absurd..

I want to be that girl.

The one who is wanted and loved like she should.

Words can be artificial, the meanings can lose their feelings.

Yet I long for communication.

Assure me.

This is how I feel about work.

Impending satisfaction guaranteed,
Sign the papers...
Listen for the last breath of your master..
Watch the mug shatter on the floor.

Laughing for no reason,
my mind is a circus.
Grins stretched so far, the creases of your mouth bleed.
Consumers dive into healthy habits,
yet they lack sanity.

Sparkle for me baby, prove to me I'm pretty,
Walk that runway....Back and forth..repeat.

Monday, January 7, 2013

How many Christians does it take to convert an agnostic? 0?! Leave me alone!!!

How many e-mail responses do I have to write to these people? Hopefully the last several is it. I am getting pissed at this point. I get it, you need a ticket to heaven and are so saddened by my sudden realization that your beliefs are ridiculous. Get over it. I am angry! Swarm of gossipers and judgmental ass fags!!!! I would respect you a little more if you'd mind your own business jerks.

Tomorrow will be my fifth day of a juice fast. I am feeling pretty emotional, which is supposedly a normal detox symptom. When am I not emo though? Haha........

After work, I went over to my mom's to meet her new puppies. Adorable fuzzballs! I couldn't help but melt when I nuzzled my face up to theirs. Very cute. I want one! She named them Sunny and Sabrina. My behavior was rather strange tonight though. I talked to the puppies as if they were babies and couldn't get enough of them. I love animals, but don't get too crazy. We watched the movie "Ted", I liked it a lot, my kind of humor and it had a chick, love story kind of thing. After the movie, I got pretty serious. I actually cried like a baby. I talked about my mind when I was a child and how I felt... Growing up I watched my mom get mistreated by my father despite how hard she tried to make it work.. He was mentally abusive to her. I longed for a normal family. I knew ours was dysfunctional. I remember spending time with my friends families and watching their parents interact and I wanted that for my mom. I dug deeper into what I feel now and how I still and always will want that, but now it's for myself. I realized that I never want Connor and Evelyn to feel the way I did, to watch their mom hurt and suffer. It all makes sense I suppose. I married young to someone who was safe, I even remember thinking that he would never abuse me and that's all that mattered..Bleh. I feel nauseated. I've grown up. I know that I am worth more than that. I am happy with how things have turned out even though it's been hard. I don't need to worry about my mom, she is taken care of. I understand that my father was sick. My kids are amazing and resilient and I am strong and will do my best to keep them safe in all ways. All you need is love.