The bond between those who love deeply is mysterious.

When their eyes meet a glimmer appears in an exclusive way.

Words of beauty speak eloquently when shared.

A desire and need for physical affection...

When met, mind is at peace.  

I got a man whose infected with the fever, I got a man whose burning inside
I got no money, but I'm somewhat of a believer, the grass caught on fire and it's better on my side.

Won't you run away with me, I can't cure you but, I think, a little medicine just might make this right,
I could bound and tie your wrists, be your dominatrix or smile real sweet and bandage your fists...

I got a man whose heart beats to a rhythem, a tune I play when he's inside of me.
I got a heart that shattered on the kitchen table, my family dined and were fed for a year.

Won't you come and stay with me, we could build this house with leaves, I'd tell the wind to take a hike.
I could grow our own garden, the one we dreamed and forgotten, plant the new life and let our love subside.

As I lay here on my couch, I am nauseous.
I want to express myself, but know it's negative.
I can write how I feel and be done...
I don't understand why I am sick.
Every month. Weak immunity?
Over exerted?
Disease?
I feel like I am no fun.
I try to be healthy.
I haven't drank a drop of alcohol in almost seven months.
I haven't had sugar, besides potatoes in almost a month.
I turn white as a ghost and puke at work randomly.
I take all my vitamins and probiotics like a good girl.
I go to the gym despite how I feel.
I want to live and do things.
I am afraid that no one will be there.
I am so tired.  

I approached a lone man. his eyes were covered by one hand, the other rested on his lap. 

He appeared to have no tongue, could not speak, hum or tell what he had written down. 

I leaned down to his side and whispered in his ear "why are you here?".

Silence was my cue he could not hear. 

Gardens surrounded the shelter. 

Lush, green flora imprisoned us.  

Clouds formed a grey gate outside the entrance. 

Vines and branches rapidly grew before me.

Hands and ankles bound, lifted above ground......

The man laughed as if he knew....

It poured, acid like rain burned my skin.

The clothing I wore melted away.

The fumes from the air disrupted my vocal projection. 

A loud roar of thunder echoed in the night...

Blood dripped down from my ears..

The man stood on one foot and removed his hands from his eyes.

I was blinded by the toxic skies. 

"Want to live?" he asked "Sign this paper and you'll pass."

Of course I would to survive..

The deed was did and done, the man vanished and I was left.

My sight had been taken, I could not speak, nor hear. 

I traced what was written with the tips of my fingers...

"Curse". 

I have lived for millions of years and evolved thousands of times...
The elements I endured failed to eliminate my existence.
I dwell in your mind and pierce into your soul when you are weak.
Any negative thought feeds me with delight...
If you turn off the lights, I will appear.

Man fears my truth. I am paid to be ignored.
You may sacrifice yourself for me..
I will never approve.
Even though I say I do...

I am you. I am your enemy. I will fill your heart with dread. Keep you from happiness.

There may be light and there may be love, the strongest bonds become parallel....
Unite, trust and speak of peace, banish the darkness that resides in all of us. 

I just need to vent.


As of right now, I am in between. I have several different paths and I have no control of either of them at the moment. My brain isn't handling it the best and my stress levels are increasing. I never imagined being a single parent would be this. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realize it would drive me to the brink of insanity. I am kidding. Sort of. VENT! If I move to a different school district that has the best elementary school I would have to take my children to a ghetto daycare. If I stay where I am and place him in a school in my district, it's acceptable just not bad ass, but the childcare would be at a home and more flexible, less likely to get ill....Ideally I would like to not work and just use loans, I realized student loans $10-20K a year for daycare plus extra for living expenses would not work out, I can't even get that much....So...I have to work. I feel insecure at my current job and am not sure if my new college schedule will suffice, so I may need to get new employment. With the new flexible daycares I am looking into I could work at night if needed. I could get a job as a waitress if I have to. I am going to do whatever I have to, but I know that I will be burned out. It's for my children's future, I want to make sure I can support them and have security....I could bawl my eyes out just thinking about it. but, I am strong. I can do this. Fuck yeah!!!


REVISED.

I am going to post pone College. Focus on the children, get them in school...Attend school for myself when they are in school......That way I don't get raped by Daycare costs. I am relieved honestly. Very relieved. I had so much stress and concern that this was going to be too much and as I am getting deeper into reality, I know that patience is a virtue and being there for Connor and Evelyn at a young age is something I cannot replace. I love them so much and I want to remain sane and not turn into a stressed out and unavailable parent...Keep options open. Dear Connor and Evelyn. when you are older I am going to make you read this. :D

As time grows closer to mystery, my mind is all over the place. 

I've become vain for a distraction..

Can I categorize my life like files in a cabinet?

I've soared over cliffs higher than this, yet I exhaust my mind with tasks. 

Like an old habit that surfaces, I think back at how I've rekindled it...

When the plate is heavy and you get lost up ahead, the kettle will boil and burn your skin. 

I've learned from before that this is not the best....Way to clean up your stress. 

And the conclusion to this day is to love, dream and have faith. Thank those who care enough to communicate.