Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The screams of children, what a delightful yet charming noise ringing in my ears. The daughter had a great Birthday and was the queen for the day, it carried through the rest of the week although it had become a royal pain in my ass. Sure, I want my daughter to smile and feel good about herself, but when I see that glimmer of spoiled brat syndrome shine in her eye I must bring it to a stop. If I hear her shouting and talking back to me in the whiniest way, I know it's time...To take all over her wonderful belongings that she received on her Birthday or how about everything? And of course she went ape.  And screamed that I should just throw them all away. Okay, you got it kiddo. Done. Just kidding. I will hold them hostage, most likely for a day, but really should be for a week, if not more.

I'm doing good I think. My mind likes to trick me sometimes though. I am convinced I have everything together, that I have learned more than I could have ever imagined. Only thing is I have a bad memory, so I often fall back into my insecure ways and forget. It really hurts sometimes. I lose sense of what's truly important and dwell on things I have no control over, and sometimes worse do and can't even recognize it. I am learning new philosophies on the mind and ego.  It makes sense to me. It seems that I have dug deeper into myself and am able to understand my certain behaviors. I'd really like to see a specialist..They could write down my feelings so I can remember them. I can't blame anyone. I am responsible for my life and how it is. I believe the environment affects us of course, but we put ourselves there whether it's a person or place and can control that. When I think about where I spend most of my waking hours I realize that it's at work. I walk through the door, put my apron on, punch in, say hello to whoever, walk down stairs, lift my arm up to block the walk in door to avoid painful slap in the head and walk down the aisle toward my department. I walk up to the counter and greet my boss. She has the biggest ego in the world. Insecure so much as if I have no expression she looks for one. Asks me questions, asks me if I am alright, numerous times, daily. Her eyes will squint and zero in on me with judgement if she does not believe my professional answer. The truth is I tense up and lose my soul when I enter her presence. I put on a smile and act energetic, focus positive attention to her and distract as much as possible. When I do not, I am watched like a hawk and considered a threat. I am observed on my looks daily. Fingernails check, hair style check...Mood check. I have unintentionally started my own experiment that now I am only able to see with this uninterrupted moment. I no longer wear makeup nor blow dry my hair. For over a month now. I just don't care. And I don't care about my position. It's a joke. And I laugh at the owners and the managers who think they are managing our department right by having me take this matter into my own and play mind games with my boss. I find it insane. The way I deal with this, is to not take it serious. If I am given responsibilities I take care of them. I work side by side with a person who insists on living in hell and taking me with them.....BUT. I do not have to go with them...And I will not. I will not take my family there with my own misery. I will not be miserable. I will play along until another opportunity arises. I sometimes worry that if I stay in this place and continue to strategize the people around me like pieces on a board game and if am not able to continue will it be because I lost my mind or because I love myself? WHY ME? Such a primitive question. Why anyone? Why not? That's more like it.

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