More effort to forget our love than to.

Erase my figure from your mirror, could you?

We've built our end on fear, collapsed carousels beneath.
I could read your prediction from a shimmer in my tears,
I can sense my love is your curse,
Travel a thousand miles away to escape,
You found your peace in silence, but are burdened with a lotus.

My heart exists beating now, my flesh alive in the present,
Tomorrow I'm uncertain of what's to come, I rather not know...

I write you poems in my sleep,
Hold onto my heart for yours to keep,
Dredge deep into the core of my desires.
I play happy to pretend,
Waste their time with closed doors,
No opportunity is welcome from any of them.

I seclude myself from the outside,
Surrounded by souls, I can't see. .

I walk my way home.
Take the streets that are long,
I hope to find where to go. .
Or where to move on.

This time away from the one remains strong.

There's silence at home and an emptiness that has grown,
I sleep through the night only to wake up stoned.

My dishes are clean, the table is set for one,
I fill my fridge with the things that were there before.

I've been burdened with love,
My infatuation of the idea is still around.
I can pretend I'm aloof, but I'm not.

Twenty six years before I was born,
Non existent, no life to build from.

Twenty six years have gone by,
A book full of memories to be told.

This life exists, along with many more,
The theory of connection has sparked for only one.

I long for their company, to feel the intense energy,
I speak my mind clumsily only to feed their doubts..

Not long ago I can remember when,
You felt for me, you held in all my fear.

Now that the time has been said and done,
I'll remember those days, forgive my love.

My beating heart exposed on a pedestal,
May it be taken in the night or crumble,
May the ones who believe right to own be told wrong.

This moment in my life is confusing. I feel trapped between a happy place and a totally miserable and depressing state of mind. I have been trying to categorize my thoughts and label the negative ones as tricks and depression and try to remember that I do laugh and that I will smile again despite the frustration of how I feel. It's temporary, right?

    For most of my life I have had a "partner" whether it was a best friend, my mother or boyfriend. Besides now, the only time that I was a single person was my freshman and sophomore year. I distanced myself from my mother, I had friends, but never attached myself to one and didn't have a boyfriend and didn't really care. I was very confident and assure of myself, but was also wild and a lush.

What am I now? I am lonely. I am building myself up for whatever I have to deal with. I have two children who need a mother and I am doing everything I can to be there. I find myself zoning out most the time, escaping. I have seen a progression and change in myself and for the most part I see growth and maturity, but I also see hardening and distrust. I had faith in just about any possibility, but now I don't really know what to believe. I want to trust all, but I've lost my innocent warmth. We are all born the same way, some of us have mental defects that would cause us not to fit in with the world, but in most cases we are new, innocent and happy. It's life that changes us..People change us. Sorrow....Death....Loss.....Abuse.....We let these things change how we are and think, but can't we make the change like all the other reasons? I exist. I am breathing. I have changed people. I can change myself. I can smile. I can realize that you can't control life, that the plans we have change and not to be disappointed in what has happened. Instead appreciate your life and every moment you have with no fear of yourself or others.

I want to love, I want peace and security. I want to be free and make positive changes in this world. I just need to continue what I am doing...Breathe...