Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Who he is.

He is an amazing person, he is selfless, he is loving and until he has nothing left in him, yet can relax as if he was on a vacation....and when I'm with him, every sad feeling or doubt vanishes and I am comforted. He has always made me feel like the most important person in the world, my flaws to him were endearing and when I had an emotional collapse he knew he couldn't help me despite how sweet he was or how much he told me he loved me, it was something I had to endure on my own...

I want him to know how much I appreciate his existence. I love him entirely...I've devoted majority of my writing to him, he inspires me.

Friday, December 14, 2012

I closed all the doors, the windows too...
Closed my eyes, I thought I knew.
The house was cold and I was too...
Didn't realize how much I had missed you.

In the back of my mind, you were always there...
I tried to block my thoughts with distractions..
But that didn't matter..

I sit here thinking about your next visit..
Four months had gone by since the last..
A few months before I cut our communication...
I felt it was right...
And yet I am against it.

I never met to cause you wrong or leave you in the dark,
My humble mind believed you didn't care,

I know that I am in love with you, it's far from ordinary...
I hope that your love for me will be worth more than despair.
I hope that you'll stay.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Forget me not.
Love never lost.
Time went on.
My heart not.

I mustn't forget my ways..
Hold onto my strength and the promise I made.
I hold my heart like a flame, watch it burn my skin.
I can't pass it on to just anyone...
My mind is door is open.
Things have led up to this for a reason...
All the others couldn't the way you do.
I couldn't find you. Are you there?
I love you, always..
I look forward to your presence...reintroduction..
The world has spun me off of it..
I reach my destination unaware of my landing..
Black, dark night surrounds the view...
I crash into the moon.

Covered in dust, I've lost my balance...
The scales have tipped over the crustacean.
I'm welcomed to my new home,
I feel to be extraterrestrial.

The blue glow captures my eye...
In the distance I hear my name being called...
From Earth.

Remember who you are.
Imagine yourself being born...
You've walked a million miles to stand where you are.

Do not grieve for what's been done.
Commemorate your life and the ones you love.

You won't find happiness from anyone.
Accept the person you've become.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I'm losing the taste of poison,
Fulfilling my mind with a new found vision....
Nourishing my heart with self devotion...
Opening the world to accept what I'll give.

My spirit has woken up.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I've been impatient my whole life,
It all started, when I was five,
I was guided each step of the way,
Protected from something I couldn't explain,
My intuition was my former faith...from within.
Now that I'm a woman,
I've closed my eyes.
Turned off my pride.
Now that I'm older,
I've done myself wrong,
I betrayed myself.

I woke up today and I know what I am...
When we were kids, we had no idea....That time won't always stand still.
I had some falls and tried to improve...My life for my children that I had to prove...
I confused my mind, overwhelmed with self hate...Lost the faith in myself and turned to other ways...
And here I am with a smile on my face. I don't need to follow what others say.
The universe is all I need to believe. 

I'm beautiful and kind. I'm creative and psychic....I love, I grieve....I'm empathic for all. I'm strong and wise. I can see through peoples eyes. I am sensitive and stubborn, I fear what I see in people. I can see my future. I know what will happen. And because of that, I'm impatient. 

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I have an addictive personality.
I prefer repetition.....
I try something new and it evolves into ambition,
The things that are bad, I can cast them away,
Yet the things that are good turn me into a slave.

The psychosis leads me to believe that it can be okay,
These desires mean well and are how my mind is made,
Thought patterns and dreams continue the same,
Resulting in self improvement into becoming healthy.

If I continue this balance act like I have,
Look down at the net and trust myself,
My addictive personality cannot be a flaw,
Only a guide to my life and how to live it well. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Stage fright. It's like I'm standing in the front with nothing to say. The light blinds my sight.
 Time is moving again and I'm crying.
I don't get it. Why is this so complicated? I don't want to grow up or die young.
I don't want this..I don't want this to be. I only wanted, only wanted to be happy.
Now I'm facing health debt. The sorrows depleting me. 
Is it all because of what I chose or that I'll always be alone.

Monday, November 26, 2012

thoughts in one minute.

and then there was the blame game. it's my fault. I need to clean up my own mess..threats.....bull shit. I like how as soon as I'm content, I am thrown a bunch of drama. But I don't care. I've got apples and persimmons and a cup of tea. yeah, tea. and connor and evelyn are with me. and i am lucky to have a warm, soft blanket and Xanax.  and a costco membership. and I have a nice looking face. and even though I am hated by some, I can sleep at night..and dream...and rest. and wake up. Is this real? Yep. I don't wanna be a sheep anymore. I'm an indian giver.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Our minds have so much control of what we are. And do...feel. I am day and night, sunrise? I don't know. I thought I was insane.. Facing who you are and looking back at how you've behaved is hard.  It's like you lived this fantasy and thought you were A-okay and then you are slapped with a reality that you are a little crazy. Denying and such. And here we are, totally chill. It's kind of weird how that happened. Over the last few months I've been hit pretty hard with depression and everything going wrong in my life. It's like this viscous circle on repeat. A few weeks ago, I hit a point where I was done, about to throw in towel and say "you've won" to whatever I felt was dumping me with bad ju ju. And then I got out of it, like usual. One of my thoughts were black momma for some reason. Only this time it wasn't because I was fighting for my life, I just literally told my body and mind " you've got to let go, because if you don't, your gonna die ". I haven't let things raise my blood pressure since then. I don't want to be sick or stressed about simple problems or even big problems. So, I'm not. And same goes for everything. The result has been great. I feel like my energy has returned and for that, people respond to me differently, peacefully...Now if I could only fix the world...Meh.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I trust that time will tell me like it has before....
That when I move through days, I'll still remember.
The months have paved over..
The bliss.
The pain...
Yet another year has passed...
And here I am at last...
I came to a point where I almost took my life,
for what was the reason? I believe it to be my mind.
Hell had taken over my peace, convinced me I'm not worth it, but I am.
I like to plan and have my path drawn out, like a map, a road a destination I sought...
It's absurd to have this mentality when your not mathematical.
I can't equate my future and be OCD, the only thing I'll get from that is insanity..
I've taken it in. I almost lost everything. I won't give in. I feel different...
I'm taking a vacation. No more over time on my own judgement.

I'm inspired to write this, but this hasn't been something I've woken up with. I have had some bad times. And I've looked back and I've realized a lot of the bad times were how I made them. Yeah, getting your foot run over is crazy and horrible, but I was crazy and crazy stuff happens to people who are...crazy. Even looking back further I think of my Myspace blog. Jeez, how silly. I complained so much and could make something simple sound devastating. Although that stomach flu Connor and I had was nasty, but what I just put up with this last week doesn't compare.Three people with the stomach toilet...yay! I just have come to a point where I know what I am. I know my weakness's, my strengths...And sometimes I fall down and have a hard time getting back up, because I keep throwing rocks and blunt objects at myself and my pride and then feel self pity. Absolutely pointless and a good way of wasting energy, not to mention bad for my health.
So, here's a list of all the shit that's happened and how I don't carry it with me or let it affect my life..anymore..and theres positive as therapy....

From the beginning and in somewhat of an order...

Abusive Father       =      Strong willed child
Childhood Vanity   =       Stylish Adult
Fire                       =       Comfortable in a courthouse
Longing for family  =       Making friends
Judgement from Family =  Understanding
Overprotective Mother = Love
Gastrointestinal issues   = Interest in medicine
Social dysfunction during puberty = Made me eccentric
Alcohol and Drug Abuse  = Introduction to culture
Low self esteem = Made me modest
Unhealthy teen relationship = Kept me stable
Unsatisfactory intimacy = Kept me from STDS
Dying Thyroid = Gave me intuition despite doctors
Accepting an unhealthy relationship and marriage = Gave me my son and daughter
Fear = Study paranormal
Loss = Appreciate loved ones
Unsupportive partner = Focus on myself
Separation = Brought me true love
Feminine related health issues = Was a mean lesson!
Miscarriage = Accepting reality no matter how sad it is
Divorce = Release
Car accident = Take better care of things
Heartbreak = Love yourself
Almost Abducted = Learn self defense
Weight loss induced stress = Oo sexy!
Eviction = Don't live with people off the internet
Theft = Never leave valuables in sight
Unhealthy habits =  Wake up call
Daughter's seizure = Awareness
Surgery = Vacation
Dealing with an A-hole Ex husband who thinks he's a better parent = Compassion
Losing hours due to ill children = Spending time with kids
Financial struggle = Enjoying simplicity
Loneliness = Music
Hair loss and hormone imbalance = Nutrition
Fear of losing job = Work harder.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm feeling super weird lately. I think Christianity has made me insane. I understand the principles, sure and I experienced the holy spirit, something I hadn't felt since I was younger...And it's like this knowing, this comfort and understanding, but now living it and balancing it is bothering me and with that being said, it's like I'm Satan or something. I don't mind Church, it's positive and the place has a good feeling and praising the lord is awesome, but saying that makes me feel stupid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. And I miss my Tarot cards. Haha....I don't care, I still associate with what I know. I believe in God, but do I believe in rules? To an extent. I believe in your own free will...I believe in aliens. And I don't care what anyone thinks. 
The devils in my head, hells taking up my thoughts,
I see red when I think. 
My faith be at test, I'm losing the battle..
I contest.

 I've come to a point where I have no care, let the trials fill my pantry...
I'll drive my car off a cliff or just laugh at all my misfortune...
It's funny how it's been, my life in a whirlwind....a tragic comedy.

Now all I can do is sit back and watch this train wreck with a grin. 
Wait for the credits to roll in....
Be surprised what happens in the end. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

I have this broken heart and I'm falling apart,
Can't seem to stitch it back together...
And I fall off track, I can't relax,
This track is a trek and I'm falling down the mountain!
My head can't take the heat, so I play my life on repeat...
Slipping down....down...until I'm under the ground.

I rise to the surface, and push through the dirt...
Once again I am unearthed.
I look at the sky and wonder..Why?...and why again?
This formation of love is not just story, it was embedded in my chest two years ago.

Faith and hope I can't ignore....nor you I don't belong to..or?
So I talk...I speak what's on my mind..Could my words fulfill or deplete you?
I wilt when I'm starved and I am, are you?
My passions run dry, all the hurt I've kept inside is dry.
I have no tears, they've dried as though I've died.

All this angst comes from truth....
Yet here I am again spilling my guts, breaking my bones....bleeding my heart for you.
Tide pulls me in...pulls me under...I'm waiting for you.
I'm crazy for you.
My love is for you.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

So confused........
I wish there was a way for me to to...
My feelings are never right. Hello, nice to meet you. See ya....No thanks.
Never right...Never feels right.
I wonder why.
I just want whats meant.
Tired of wonder and declining.
Declination...Please end.
Acceptance please arrive.
Let there be peace and love. 

Sunday, October 28, 2012

How have you made me this way? So Far I have no complaints.

Make me a believer, make me new, forget all the things I put myself through.
It's just a matter of thought, I walked through a maze to seek what I sought,
Choices weren't clear until I found you..I worshiped love...I had no clue.
It doesn't really matter what they might say, my hearts decisions are what you've made..

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Picked up my guitar since forever and wrote a little song..

Hello my darling, how are you/?
Hello my dear friend, I never knew...

Say goodbye to me again,
Goodbye my darling, I never want to see you.

Monday, October 15, 2012

What? Amanda's a Christian?

Yes. I don't know how to explain it to anyone really, you'd have to live and be in my body, experience my life and that's not possible, but I can tell you this. God exists. I was agnostic since I was a teenager, before that I had a deep connection to a presence I knew as God. I prayed every night and talked to him about everything.Somewhere along the line of a tormented childhood and dysfunctional pre teen era, I lost faith in God and was angry. I had such strong feelings against anything holy. I actually wanted to die and suffer. I wanted to be alone. I played with magic. Witchcraft...Always had a strong connection to it, I could not explain. I know that I'm some sort of spiritual gateway, sensitive, but what I used it for is all that truly matters.

That spiritual gateway was never meant to be used the way I was using it....I was so stubborn, like most of the people I know. So many questions...Judgments....Science....But when you reach your hand out, beg for mercy and forgiveness and are touched by the Holy spirit and Jesus Christ, you realize that all that you were experiencing, all the connections, metaphysical and psychic readings couldn't even lead up to this. It's a complete sense of peace and love. When I speak of holiness I feel harmony in my chest....I am one, I do not worship myself or any other man or woman on this earth. Not one person is better than me. We are all equal, God is mighty and powerful, I worship the son, the father and the holy spirit now. If I had a time machine and was able to view this blog entry a year ago I would have been shocked. I sort of am shocked that this has happened. It's interesting to look back at everything that has lead me here, to my new found faith. The people, the path....It all ties together. I'm a sinner, and I am a human and God sent his only son to die for our sins so we could have eternal life, so we could be forgiven. The disbelief of this is so common. I thought it was a joke. I felt sorry for the "sheep" who believed this. Turn the tables and I realize how judgmental I had been...On how I am now being judged and told to look at the big picture. Well, I've lived the life on the other side and it's a lonely one....And then that changed. I was summoned. I let go.....I felt the holy spirit. I feel so different now. I've always had a desire to love, but now that has grown even stronger. I have so much feeling for the world. I want to share what has happened to me, I want everyone to feel this joy. But I also remember what I thought before now and how irritating it was to be preached to.  

I have become involved in a church, what an amazing place. I was baptized this morning.

 A married couple who I have become good friends with did the ceremony for me. The three of us stood in front of 100 or more people. They spoke of my story and how I found faith then he asked if there was anything I wanted to say. I felt compelled to...I was not nervous at all, I couldn't believe how easy it was to speak in front of all those people and open my heart.....

There was a metal tub filled with water and they stood on each end. I climbed into the tub of luke warm water and put my arms across my chest holding one wrist. They pulled me back into the water. I died and was reborn. That is the symbolism behind the baptism, but in reality I died and was reborn as soon as I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.....

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Oh the mystics they can't see the change upon me, oh the mystics can't see, through me.
I can no longer tell a lie, for I'm filled with a new pride, the lies, they talk to me no more.
Oh, how'd you know? That there's ever so much more? In my heart I feel alive,
On the day I proclaim, that the pain will go away, my heart beats the same...and the pain can go..away.
Look up at the sky, tell me what is it you see. Do you see stars in the distant space, tell me of your maker.
I've been high, inebriated, I've collapsed when I drowned. On the day I became a believer...
All my thoughts...were answered, accept the devils lies, he won't let me go just yet...
His talons have dug deeper, pulling me under....underground...fill my mind with fears that I'm alone...
Who would ever love this girl?
Oh how it seems, that I'll ever wake this dream, I'm tied in a knot to my bed....
As much as I've seen and the love I'd like to believe, my heart is broken, yet I still feel sunshine...
And pray that my life will be free. That the devil will no longer want me. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Significant other disease,
I'm infected without a reason,
This fever has turned me blind,
My skin boils from the heat.
I can't see you standing there,
You don't care, you don't care.
I peel my eyes wide open,
but your still no where.

I find it pathetic where I fall,
How I still long for you now,
How I write you on your phone...
How pathetic I've become.
But whose to say that it's not right?
That I feel despite what's in front of me...
I'm just too stubborn to let go...
Of the one I loved before.

I don't quite understand...Why I still do...
You aren't even the same person I knew,
Nor am I, so what's the use?
I could race back and forth between time,
Think of all the times we lied,
Think of all the times we kissed,
Or listened to cds...
La la la..I can't hear it anymore...
I just wish I could see you face to face,
Introduce the people we are today....
and close the curtain. take a bow and say goodnight....
Make a toast for a cure.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I lay on my couch with a stuffy nose. The lights are dimmed in a way that comforts my eyes..
I watch my favorite show about doctors and sex, fantasize about wearing scrubs...
My first Friday has begun and I'm looking forward to my next one.
A few days from now is an anniversary of my birth.
I sometimes wonder how it would be if I never was..
But those thoughts will never help.

The past hurts and the present is bitter sweet.
I have kept on track, yet I've fallen to my knees..
I am head strong for the things that I want and also toward things that are unwanted...

I find a serene state of mind when I meditate and pray,
I fall off track when I concentrate on being lonesome...
Yet I know I'm not alone...
Although I can't blame myself for wanting more. 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I long for the night to watch the moon glow,
I wait for the moment to feel the spirit touch my soul,
Time stands forever when I close me eyes,
And when I open them now all I see is your love.

When I speak of holiness, I feel a warm harmony in my chest,
I feel excitement to have this faith, no more fear for the end of my day,
My heart has opened, my eyes as well, no longer a drone, I will not dwell.
It took me a century and time on my own to be touched by God, to finally let go...

Thursday, September 27, 2012

What it was like...

I remember the day by the train, the sweet innocence blossoming and the mutual bliss...and curiosity.
Almost two years since you changed my world and heart..
So much responsibility for young lovers... Burdened with not enough.
I walked through the park with a red umbrella, talking on the phone...
The rain sprinkled lightly, I felt...I knew..
I told you. It went on from there.
The conversation could play in my mind..forever.
The day we were to part and I asked if you'd wait for me...
I felt a sadness..Tragedy. I didn't want to be away from you..Despite the little time I knew..
Tears run down my cheak as I remember...Will I ever? I think not...
 I turn to god...And ask why? He does not answer me.
Why so much feeling? I love him. I always have and will...


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I am aware of the change, it's about time I've found meaning. 
I feel content inside with a sense of well being..
I love the leaves when they fall...Another chance to begin...

My children's love could fill this room, banish all hurt and gloom...
Their innocence and silliness teaches me to be patient..
Hold their little hands and kiss them, every night.  
Look into their eyes and see why I'm here.
Listen carefully, watch them grow...
Hope tomorrow continues on..I live for their smiles..Carry on for our life. 

I am sad for how I felt, struggled with what had overwhelmed, me. 
I am thankful I held on, to what has always meant the most..
I promise to stay strong and protect...
Even when I doubt myself. I will never look back. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Tempted to dial your number, I won't,
I crave to hear your voice.
I have no intention of connecting, but I'm having difficulty stopping myself...

I feel shameful for not letting go like this, dragged behind you and you had no recollection,
You could turn around, but you didn't see me there.
Why did I hold onto you?
Why did I feel you wanted me to?
I think back on all the time I spent...
Dreaming of you. And I still do.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I open my eyes and see a blurry figure in the distance,
A smudge on my lens in the form of a man.
I close my eyes and see a clear picture of someone I loved,
A smudge in my mind that I see occasionally...

I pray for guidance and peace.
I live for this day..I ask for forgiveness. 
I'm fortunate to believe. I'm happy to fulfill..

I long for something, a feeling. A touch...Purity. 

The light has descended upon my family, prevail. 
The time has passed quickly, I am finally free.
I am blessed to have my loves, they are my extension...
I am waiting for someone, not sure what he will be. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I sense you are lost, you feel that it's not done.
I fear that you can't hear what I have to say.
I don't want anything, from you.

It's not what you don't have, it's what you can't have,
You could accomplish the list and think that I'm yours,
But unfortunately it's not about that, it's the experience you have not endured.

I will not be manipulated or sold. I am my own. You don't know what could make me happy, you don't even know me.
If I told you I sense dysfunction in your motives, what would you do... 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I want more

You know I really don't truly get you, I say I do, but  I don't have a clue..
I feel you always talk in circles, because your too damn stubborn to listen to yourself.
We're the same to a sense, but I really think your a mess, like me, but I don't take things so seriously.

I won't wait anymore, the love I have still lingers though...I think I just might, fall in love with myself,
I already feel a change in me, a desire to do what's best for me...and your not.

No more phone calls, no more hope..When you come to town I'll make sure I'm gone. Sorry to say, you waited for a cure, but it's too late this infection is viral. I had patience, despite what you told me, to move on and live, yet you still loved me, I'm tired of games and know what I deserve, I don't want a playmate, I want to be heard.

 My weakness is empathy, I reach out to those who need, I'm drawn to those who are wounded,  want to help others who are burdened from the past and pain, but I don't want to live that way. I'm living in the present today. I finally know what I feel is right and the moment is all that matters, what I do with my day is enough and tomorrow is uncertain so it's pointless to worry or think about my father and how years ago he hurt me, I'm who I am right now and I love that I can breath, that my life is existing.

We could spend a decade figuring out what to do, but I really rather make love.....But that's not gonna happen today, I can't control you, make you move or tell you what to do, so this is when I have to turn off the wanting and let the opportunity for love to happen, whether it's from you or not.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I built myself a home, alone.
I thought I'd get lonely, but I'm not.
I'm somewhat of a loner, I prefer it that way,
I enjoy company occasionally..Until my mind needs a break.
When the day starts I'm never without a constant social flock in the muck......
And when I enter my nest, I sigh and am relieved to finally rest....
That's when I know, I rather be alone.

Forty two days, amazing how fast it came and how you are dying to break,
Free from the sun, you hide in the shade behind a tree that's covered in bugs.
That crawled over me, under my dress they were attracted to my scent and that's when...
I whispered your name and could no longer breath.

No longer breath..Simply.
Do not despair. I don't need air.
My energy fields are vibrant enough to cover miles to the sea,
I am surrounded in light, despite what the world tells me.

Twenty miles on the concrete, wind broke straight through me,
I feel a secret integrity...Empowered by my beauty...
No smoke from the gun, it hasn't been shot,
It will. I will. I am my own weapon.
I'm nice, I care, but I am protective.
The big bad wolf can't blow my house down.
He can't even see me.

Monday, August 20, 2012

I have company, I have friends,
Freedom to live the way I intend,
Things get heavy, things get tough,
I'm still here, I don't give up.

I am pulled down to the ground, by a jerk I left awhile back,
Throw some punches, curse at me, do you think I feel anything?
Your angry heart just proves me why, I left your pessimistic side,
I could say fuck you and scream until I'm coarse,
Or sit back and feel no remorse.

I'm so grateful I am me, I choose to live in harmony,
Unlike you I won't hurt any soul on purpose, use the innocent like their puppets,
Pull their strings and watch them dance, manipulate their minds...
Talk bad behind their backs and shake hands after your wine.

Friday, August 17, 2012

So long, does it matter to you?
I say goodbye, but I keep holding on to you...
Until I think of the big picture, I'm filling my head with a painful tincture of lies.

I'm so confused about this time, I don't even know who this is devoted to.
I'm sinking deep into the dark, I might as well..
I base this moment on my pain, will I ever choose the positive side?

I have a choice, my lifes not done, only feels like it now,
My heart won't always be torn, it'll mend when I can relax.
I'd drink this bottle empty, but it won't do me any good,
My mind's already unhealthy, don't need my body to be abused.

I feel misunderstood, like I'm nothing. I hear you say that I can't hear, it's because I don't want to.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I had a dream...It was scary.

It was fall, it was dusk. There was a house, an older one. It was brown with black trim. The inside was empty with hardwood floors. In the kitchen there were open cabinets, all of them. Draws open, the fridge and oven, all open. I stood in the kitchen puzzled to see a large crop of white plates in a spiral. They started to move, some lifted in the air and dropped on the tile breaking. I ran away and was chased by something. It was horrifying. I couldn't see it. I went upstairs and it was almost pitch black,more grey I suppose. I could hear plates shattering downstairs. Then I was driving. Driving like I was escaping. The thoughts in my mind were fear that I was being followed or would be found. I woke up wanting to go back to my dream. I was curious. Hmmm......

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What is true love? Is it a feeling? Is it something that was meant to be and intended to fall in place? A divination that we have no control over? I wonder if it's just chemicals that select people have that respond to one another and create serotonin in our brains that create "love". Maybe more? I don't quite understand how some are drawn to others if there is no chemistry. Personality interests? Connections? It could be as simple as thinking alike and relating or maybe all based on looks...These questions outloud may drive one mad,..I'd like to believe in a mystical, metaphysical pull of two souls uniting, a bond that means more than the past and the future, one that exists in the present, but from my experience it does not work that way.I don't have that much experience though. HAHA.

 I don't know if I am lonely. I was. I was really lonely. I find that loneliness comes from hurting, unhappiness. With yourself? Doubts in your own company...Fears that you will always remain the girl who sleeps alone. The girl who has no one to hold her. Is that necessary? In a really old school fashion way of thinking I am pretty much done for. I've been married, had children and am an old maid, technically. I would be close to the grave in a few years, old age of 30. But that's not how it is now. I have a long life ahead of me technically. How will I love again? Is it safe to say that what I ponder and wonder could all be true? People are puzzle pieces, some fit and some don't. I feel like I'm that weird piece that takes you hours to find it's place, the last piece. I think that's a good thing. I have observed many couples, I'm not a stalker I swear! I have looked in many people windows, watched them eat their meals and argue over television programs they want to watch, sat in corners of bars listening to couples on dates flirting back and forth. Just kidding, I don't know why I am such a freak, but I don't really do that. Anyway, my point is, I see some people settle. I did. At first. I don't know why I did, probably daddy issues, low self esteem at 16. Married the wrong one. I don't want to settle! I want butterflies, whistles and sunshine with a big band playing in the background. I want to be lame like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman. Leaping around a city  joyfully. It's fun.

Why am I writing this?  The bizarre inspiration is my ex husband. We are facebook friends and he is happy and in love. Frequently he posts updates that say  "I love Anna so much"  or "I'm so lucky to have found the woman of my dreams" and in a weird way, it makes me happy. I see that he has found someone that truly gets him,someone he can be with and love.

While him and I were married, he didn't like me. He didn't think I was funny and all we did was watch tv or ignore each other. I'd say a good 6 years was like this, 6 out of 9. The first three consisted of me partying with my friends while debbie downer stayed home and played computer games or talked on online forums. I partied hardy. Usually every night. And every night I'd ask him to join and he'd say nah, I don't like those people or I don't drink it wouldn't be fun. RED FLAGS AMANDA!! DUHHHH. Ignnored. I don't know what my deal was, why'd I stick around? I didn't fuck anyone, nor explored my sexuality as a young woman, made out with a chick, but who didn't when they were 17? I was faithful and devoted to a guy that didn't care to hang out with me and my friends. I guess I liked the security of always having someone there and the freedom to do what I want, so in a way it worked. Well, I got partied out at 21. Quit drinking so much after nearly dying of alcohol poisoning on my 21st Birthday and freaked out about 2012. Yeah, I became kind of paranoid and realized that God didn't exist. Out of no where I wanted to start a family. It was pretty odd. As a teenager I didn't want kids, so this surprised me. Braden had a decent job working for Milgard as a superviser, the economy was awesome. We got married and I got pregnant on our honeymoon.

It was a good time in my life, I was excited for the birth of my first child and felt I had a purpose, for the first time he treated me like I was important. After the birth of Connor we both fell in love with him. He was amazing,more than that, he was everything. I had never felt so much love for another person. I was grateful to have him and loved the experience of being a mother. When my son was almost a year old we decided to have another child, because I didn't want Connor to be an only child, yet I didn't want them far apart. So, after that decision I immediately conceived Evelyn. I am the goddess of fertility. haha...yikes, Braden lost his job. We had to actually spend time together. It was not a good situation. For about six months he was home, I did all the chores, diapers, baby feeding, baby holding...errands...pleased myself with porn...while he was in his "studio" making rap music. I was annoyed and he wasn't very nice to me. He got a job, then we moved around a bunch, wound up at his parents and I was in a deep depression. I was nearing my 25th Birthday and realized I had never fallen in love with anyone. I realized I was wasting my life with someone who didn't love me,someone who was miserable himself. I had to get out. For a good year I thought about leaving everyday. I confided in my mother and sister, begged for their help. Their advice was to save any dime I could. I couldn't though,I didn't do the budget and there was never any money left over. I spent it on the children or he spent it on band equipment. I didn't want to sneak around, I just wanted to leave. I was super lonely, needed an outlet. Created this blog. I began to write poetry again, the first time since my teens. It felt amazing! I had a release and was using my creativity. I had been talking to an old friend online and somehow learned he wrote as well. What I thought was innocent turned into a romance. Once I fell in love, I knew my marriage was over. I knew it was over a year before, but this confirmed it. I packed my bags and moved into my dads while he was in Hawaii. It was a lot of fun and stressful, but I was in love for the first time. I felt sexy. I felt wanted. I wanted him. I thought he was the most attractive thing in the world, it was just exhilirating. Reality didn't matter. I was in a euphoric stage. Chemicals...relation..connection....Love.

Fast forward to now. I am a single mom! Yay! Party! Why not? I get the weekends free. :)
It sucks. I am mentally strung out. I am the mom and dad all in one. It's really hard to balance that out.  I feel like I'm not as nuturting as I'd like to be, because I have to be firm and strong and discipline,yet comfort and remain calm...And when you've worked all day, have a house to clean, dinner to make and children to care for, you really don't have it all. You just do the best you can. You might make a half ass dinner, turn power rangers on and clean like a mad woman, but it still never feels good enough. And it's hard to think of women who have husbands who are there who help out or just support them. And then listen to your son ask you why you don't have a boyfriend. HAHA. I don't know what to say when he asks that, I just respond with " Mommy doesn't need one!" I love my kids and think they are at a fun age, but I cannot wait for them to be a little bit older, things will be a little easier. I just pray that I am not a single mom when they are teenagers,I don't know if I could handle two hormonal rebels on my own! And they will be rebels....

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The summer sun had turned to me with sincerity and discretion,
He asked me what I truly wanted and I replied with I do not know.

Yesterday I wanted you, I wanted the stars in a jar,
The day before I wanted silence and to fall asleep with the sun...

Soon the leaves will fall, the days will be gone,
And when the moon will ask me what I truly want,
I may reply with an answer, until then I won't know.

I sense a big shift in my life. Something amazing, This shift, this change, has nothing to do with anyone. Not my children, family or friends...Not my work...Not one influence other than my own. This year has been a journey. A time for me to learn and get to know myself. I don't think I really had any idea  who I really was, I still don't, but I guess you can say we are closer now. I depended so much on others, emotionally. I am such a loving, sensitive person as it is, only natural for me to become attached. Now I feel strong. I feel like I see things better. Past relationships especially. I no longer want that. It's the past. I feel satisfied with who I am, therefore I will respect myself and not go backwards. I felt so much pain, thought it would never end. It had a such tight hold on me, like I was chained.

I recently experienced a flashback from reading something, it made me physically ill and honestly took me back to a dark place I never want to return to. It was as if I was sitting on my bed listening to every hurtful thing that I had experienced. I could hear text message sounds repeating in the back of my head, every sound was a stab to my heart, closed doors...Akaward walks in the hallway..Favors, god. How did it turn out like that? One minute was security, the next was a foot in my ass. How did I let myself become a victim?   Was I pathetic? No. I was human. I was hurt. I was confused and was treated like nothing. I don't ever want that, ever. I will never let that happen again. I am worthy of love, that's what my name means. I am worthy of my own love. I seriously feel like I have woken up over night. I thank the person who showed me this again ,she does not know how it may have saved my heart. She was innocent, yet I despised her. The true culprit for my pain is my own fears and the fears of the other who harmed me with their own pain. When you are so involved, connected with another, you can transfer everything, pain, oh yes...PAIN.

It's sad.  I remember so much light and happiness. I remember feeling complete. I remember laughing all day and making love. I remember waking up in the morning next to the one I adored the most and I felt so secure. I remember walking in the store alone thinking of that person and how I wanted to buy their favorite things for them and surprise them when they got home. I remember never feeling lonely. I am haunted with these destinations, restaurants, stores....Parks...Bars, I could see him and I sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling. So much love. It's been horrible. Honestly horrible. But now, it's going away. I no longer reminisce of the love I had or see the cinema clips of a romance movie we shared. It's like that person that I loved and trusted passed away. All this time since then I have been mourning, I thought it was a desire to be together again, I thought maybe it would happen. He would come back to me and tell me everything was okay, he loves me and he is sorry and would never leave me again, but that cannot happen when they are dead. I am stubborn, so of course it has taken me this long to read the fine print. I get it now.

 I think the only way I'd ever consider being with another person is if they hit me with a club and dragged me into a cave.....

Back to the shift....I don't really know how to explain it, but it is a state of mind. An outlook. A confidence. No one else can taint this, but myself..And I am pretty content with this. It's amazing to actually care about yourself and see the big picture. I am almost there. So close. Arms reach to enlightenment.....

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I've removed myself from the clowder,
I won't let them have me,
They scratch my door in panic,
The damage I can't see..

I've found a new perspective,
I'll get to know me,
They won't break through my door,
I have security.

Friday, August 10, 2012

My body is a prism, reflecting light across the borders.
My mind is a prison filled with thoughts that burden my brain.
My soul seeks relativity and freedom from being enslaved.

I can feel my heart turn to stone, all the things that I cared about don't matter anymore,
I can see how people turn bitter, the world tosses your life around, until you are worn. 

I've learned we are all selfish, defending ourselves,
You are wrong and I am right, whose to say it so? 

All I ever wanted was peace, the closer I am, the more I am alone. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I have not been thinking..I have been ignoring that little voice in my head. I can't tell my conscience from my ego anymore. I don't want to be bad. I am trying hard to place my feelings in the right place, but I am being clumsy. It's like I have all my thoughts and actions in my hands and I am dropping them all over creating a mess everywhere. Why do I do this? Why is it every time I am low, I want comfort from someone who wont even call me for months. I often think of psychic readings and what has been said to me.. My spirit guide can communicate with someone other than me? His name is Jonathan? Descriptions of a person who resembles my previous boyfriend, they knew his name! It's a trip. Time frames given to me..Six months from June I am supposed to be with my soul mate. December...Maybe that's when my soul will leave? 

I'm ashamed, I am lost,
Can't remember what I thought,
What I said or what I did...
Woke up feeling dead.
Alcohol can set you free or bring you below.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Stories that I felt tell a time of when we met, long before either of us lived this life,
Chemicals and scarlet letters play a role that night together,
For wrong or for right, I have to close my eyes.

I cannot comprehend what's going through my head,
Or why I feel so guilty looking at you.
Silence can prove me well, block this connection against my will for the sake of purity...

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

In sickness and in health I'd share with you my well,
The waters would be plenty, the glass never half empty.
Over a day and night I'd share with you my life,
The time well spent, the moment never ending.

If I could choose the shade of the moon, I'd go with crimson to match our blood.
Look up above and gaze into you, see our bleeding hearts reflect in the dark.

The sickness deep inside, won't always be alive,
These lines of words won't concern my soul or yours,
In honest and in truth, I can't stop loving you,
Without this misery, redemption plays a fine tune. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I wake in the morning, sit against the edge of my bed.
I raise my arms to the ceiling and wish that I wasn't there,
This moment, this destiny is accelerating time,
I'd stop to smell the roses, but the buds have already died.

The sunshine helps, it really does,
This peaceful walk by myself is all that I want.
I touch the leaves that have fallen on me,
Rest my head against the tree that makes me feel secure,
It won't always be there, nor will I, but the energy is alive
and this lesson I have learned has taught me the power of the earth,
We can always breathe and love, no matter what your hell is,
no matter what the weather brings, the violent storms will form,
but we can't let the grey take over, it's a natural balance and freedom we can choose,
from the wave lengths that exhausts or minds, but once you've found the way, to take all fear away...
The sky will be blue, the waters will too and the ones you love will possess this power too. 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

It's not so far away, I'll catch the time another day,
Hours are minutes it seems.
I sleep, I need the rest,
Let the worry of tomorrow pause,
Open my eyes and hit the play button again.

I'll walk the straight line to the room, where I'll inhale those mysterious fumes...
Breathe in and count numbers and then it's done.
I'll wake in a strange state, in a room I've never been,
Food will bring me pain, inject my iv with morphine..
Sleeping away the recovery. 
I bite my tongue every chance that I get,
Write love letters to the one who I can't forget,
I could be wasting time, but it doesn't matter,
These tangled heart strings are tying together.

I have no fear for what I say,
This tune in my head will always be heard,
The mute button doesn't work,
But sometimes I hear silence,
And when it's quiet, I wonder if it will return,
Then this love song plays once more.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

I'm bothered by the way I walk around,
I seem to wander off when they converse,
The frustration is too easy, the prowlers won't rest,
I roll my eyes and leave, yet they latch on to me like a leech.
The more I let myself go, the more they come,
Line up my imprisoned counter.
I'm not an object, not a prize.
I don't care what you drive.
Go fuck yourself and die.
Leave me alone.

Phantoms fill the room, it's dark against the moon,
Feelings feed the unfortunate speech of what I speak,
Time goes on, the flowers grow, sunshine beams when I'm alone,
It darkens the valley within a few seconds, when I think too much.
Borrow my spirit for a day, wait for the sky to trade more lives..
I'm spinning thinking of you, thank you for the inspiration,
I say fuck off for the complications in my heart and mind.

Until I'm healed and new, I'll still be lost,
Sew my patches one by one and fill the stitches,
Pat the dust from this place, wipe the new day with a clean slate. 

I write to release my voids, remind my faults,
I relate to myself only because I know it well.
I care about things too much..Not enough to be smart enough.
I've lost myself once again,
Wonder when I'll let myself win.

It's hard to say I don't love you, when your the only one. 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

It's not enough to say I love you,
There's no point in feeling yet,
I waste my mind on old memories,
Compare the hands to the ones I've met,
I laugh at my silly gestures,
I am entertained by where my thoughts have traveled.

My dreams are real when I sleep at night,
The future I see is the one thats right,
I can pass the time, if they'll go away...
I can be myself when I hide my face.

It overwhelms me to smile, tell my story and how I'm well,
These interviews invade my true wants and desires.
I am interested in not one soul, I am disturbed from what they want,
I lack the formula that forms the girlfriend counterpart,
What ties the bond between another to one self,
All there is, is black and white,
The walls seeks my approval for red,
Maybe the pictures that were once colored will be seen. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Aimlessly drifting..

Reached out for a preserver and sank instead,
Down beneath the dark navy graveyard,
Seaweed tangled my entirety pulling me down deeper.

Up above a shimmering light,
Rays of orange sunshine caress my face,
A moment of warmth before my last breath,
Listening to the ocean's symphony..

I had no will, my feelings a muck..
Letting you go was all too much,
Your voice, your thought never left my mind,
My love for you never got lost from time,
Now that I am older from then,
I have found out this fairy tale would end,
Your heart is not completely in,
Your love for me is almost pretend.

It hurts inside to conclude, if I am worth it at all to you, this bridge would not be broken, the planks would have been built again.

I know what I am, not just a lover nor a friend, I have feelings in my chest, they burn with anger from this mess. I find peace when I reminisce of all the times we shared in our bed, but the reality is your not here.

I find myself tricking my head into this place where your romantic antics aren't just for my sake...

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

My alias is wounded, she's been sitting on her shelf,
Her eyes don't see too clearly, nor the name she made herself.
These depictions I once told you have been erased from my memory,
The folklore I envisioned reveal a life that's much different from now on...

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Tear me to pieces why don't you, limb from limb,
Exhaust every breath out of me until I'm finished.
The clock is ticking, my parts are rusting,
I'm tired of the shouting and all that comes with it.

Blah Blah Blah Blah, negative, negative blah.

My energy is drained, I watch my body age....
The stress from day to day takes a toll on my soul.
My title as a mother has a meaning I can't fathom...

Blah blah blah....fill in space with something positive.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Walk with me, I want to feel your energy,
Let my mind drift into another reality, I know you'd be there.

Talk to me, I want to hear your voice whisper,
Speak of sonnets in this picture,
Of a vision we both share.

My hear aches to a beat, I cannot hear.
After all this time, I still dream about you.
I can sense the universe shift into another light,
I'd let the desire burn until this world came to an end,
With or without you. 
These days and nights have been lonely, I've been bartered with myself,
It wasn't too long ago I had too much to sell,
I've awoken my spirit, I've cast my own love spell,
I longed to find my being, the time has shown me well.

It's a far cry, far cry out to yourself,
searched for a true meaning, when it was only in myself
and it's been a long time, long time since I knew,
what I really wanted or what I was supposed to.

I've been waiting to find you,
did you know that?
I lost touch with your silhouette a century ago,
Now that I have you,
I'll never let you fade,
Disappear into the rain,
Watch you drown in your dismay..

You are beautiful,
should have never let them tell you otherwise,
Forget the past and pain,
Forgive those who took pieces of you away.

Monday, May 28, 2012

More effort to forget our love than to.

Erase my figure from your mirror, could you?

We've built our end on fear, collapsed carousels beneath.
I could read your prediction from a shimmer in my tears,
I can sense my love is your curse,
Travel a thousand miles away to escape,
You found your peace in silence, but are burdened with a lotus.

My heart exists beating now, my flesh alive in the present,
Tomorrow I'm uncertain of what's to come, I rather not know...

Saturday, May 26, 2012

I write you poems in my sleep,
Hold onto my heart for yours to keep,
Dredge deep into the core of my desires.
I play happy to pretend,
Waste their time with closed doors,
No opportunity is welcome from any of them.

I seclude myself from the outside,
Surrounded by souls, I can't see. .

I walk my way home.
Take the streets that are long,
I hope to find where to go. .
Or where to move on.

This time away from the one remains strong.

Friday, May 25, 2012

There's silence at home and an emptiness that has grown,
I sleep through the night only to wake up stoned.

My dishes are clean, the table is set for one,
I fill my fridge with the things that were there before.

I've been burdened with love,
My infatuation of the idea is still around.
I can pretend I'm aloof, but I'm not.

Twenty six years before I was born,
Non existent, no life to build from.

Twenty six years have gone by,
A book full of memories to be told.

This life exists, along with many more,
The theory of connection has sparked for only one.

I long for their company, to feel the intense energy,
I speak my mind clumsily only to feed their doubts..

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Not long ago I can remember when,
You felt for me, you held in all my fear.

Now that the time has been said and done,
I'll remember those days, forgive my love.

My beating heart exposed on a pedestal,
May it be taken in the night or crumble,
May the ones who believe right to own be told wrong.

Friday, May 4, 2012

This moment in my life is confusing. I feel trapped between a happy place and a totally miserable and depressing state of mind. I have been trying to categorize my thoughts and label the negative ones as tricks and depression and try to remember that I do laugh and that I will smile again despite the frustration of how I feel. It's temporary, right?

    For most of my life I have had a "partner" whether it was a best friend, my mother or boyfriend. Besides now, the only time that I was a single person was my freshman and sophomore year. I distanced myself from my mother, I had friends, but never attached myself to one and didn't have a boyfriend and didn't really care. I was very confident and assure of myself, but was also wild and a lush.

What am I now? I am lonely. I am building myself up for whatever I have to deal with. I have two children who need a mother and I am doing everything I can to be there. I find myself zoning out most the time, escaping. I have seen a progression and change in myself and for the most part I see growth and maturity, but I also see hardening and distrust. I had faith in just about any possibility, but now I don't really know what to believe. I want to trust all, but I've lost my innocent warmth. We are all born the same way, some of us have mental defects that would cause us not to fit in with the world, but in most cases we are new, innocent and happy. It's life that changes us..People change us. Sorrow....Death....Loss.....Abuse.....We let these things change how we are and think, but can't we make the change like all the other reasons? I exist. I am breathing. I have changed people. I can change myself. I can smile. I can realize that you can't control life, that the plans we have change and not to be disappointed in what has happened. Instead appreciate your life and every moment you have with no fear of yourself or others.

I want to love, I want peace and security. I want to be free and make positive changes in this world. I just need to continue what I am doing...Breathe...

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Perfect scenary, smile upon my face,
Warm breeze embrace, laughter in the midst,
This forest that I've walked in, has a story to be told,
The souls that have visited hold more truth from those they know.
Secrets from their lovers, lies kept inside,
The trees can't help but listen to the sorrow they are shown.

I don't wish that, I want there to be peace,
I can't control the others or what they've said,
I can't burn them from your memory, but I can build you a sanctuary.

I'll let your vines tangle me or tie me in a knot,
I will rest my head against your branches and have you hear my thoughts,
Dip my toes into the earth and sink until I'm lost....

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I bloom when I fall into the old ways and days,
It's not hard to when all I see is you in my mind,
I can't escape this and am unsure if I want to,
I couldn't replace what's grown or what will...
The songs on the radio can tell me your on my mind,
The places I visit only remind...
Spring wasn't that long ago, your left over impressions still appear on my window..
If I wasn't far from reach, would you be here in my bed?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I let myself down anytime I believe,
I walk through time backwards from any sort of grief,
The reasons for this I'm unsure,
Why I trust all souls is absurd. 

If my life were a fairy tale, how would this story end..
Or is this story a tragedy like Romeo and Juliet..
Although I want to let go and forfeit...
There's a part of me inside not willing to. 

I can carry my past in a locket, throw it against the wind,
I could reach for the stars in the sky and pretend they are my fortune..
I don't think I need to expect, I can live my life without disappointment. 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I decipher on to you as you on to me,
Read each word you write carefully...
I follow the trail you've left behind,
Pick up the crumbs leading to the dark woods....

This confusion of all despairs,
All the warning signs are lit behind my eyes...
If I carry on to the house made of delicacy,
Shake hands with the painted picture,,
I could get lost in the eyes of a predator,
Find my way back home to what's true,
I twist this dagger three folds,
Deep in the belly of no remorse,
I drink the blood of my enemy,
Share my pain, point the end of the sword to my throat.

Nostalgic frames, flashing bright lights,
Drive through the neighborhoods of my previous life...
Street signs, lamp posts...
All have faded into ghosts.

In a blink of an eye I'm new,
My resiliance portrays invisible wounds....
I'm reminded from a familiar tune....
That my smile exists.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A glimpse of what was then is foreign,
My vision of now dismayed,
If I could only speak what I thought,
I would not be here..delayed.

It's unusual for me not to open this window,
To not share what's on my mind,
Something holds me back from this,
Am I wasting time?

I can validate my feelings,
In reality I know they matter,
My heart still ponders,
The wonder of what this is.

I symphonize my time,
I keep quiet in my home,
I can't believe your words, when your not..there.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I'm enlightened by your words and the way you look at me,
I feel an endless sense of peace from you sincerity..

Time has told a tale I did not see coming,
The present has prevailed my marred past and all that was erring..

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Seashells cover her eyes, blocking all promising light,
She is reminded by the moon, that the stars are still here to talk to...
I follow her foot steps, the longest path..
Pebbles and sand, moonlight and sky...
The time revolves around a divine plan I can't comprehend.
He gave up and moved away.
The night followed him in days.
Since the shores have been ignored,
The tide has come in...
Take her to sea and say goodbye.

Monday, March 5, 2012

It's been a long road, but until it ends I won't know,
why the future begins this path I am on.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The night is long
when you've torched this building down,
I find rubble of our old conventions scattered..
It seems you now..
Superstitions circulate my peace, molding a shadow around our dreams.

These bodies of flesh are trapped between souls of stone,
Separated across the river bed, toss pieces back and forth...
Reflections in the water forsee love, the distance pay the toll,
Split between the distant shore..

He chose to suffer for inner peace,
She cries when he leaves..
No return from the beginning till end,
Tears turned to sand and pride washed away in the shore.

My flesh is burned, as sharp as stone,
Roll in my bed, the nights a tomb,
My lovers request to sleep alone,
Departed before the night is done.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sirens warn me, the well is deep.
The flashing red lights disappear when your thoughts drift..
If I dive in, will my conscience live?
I can't decide, I'll let myself fall until I get back up again.

I am sure that the cold touch is an act, that the way you say goodbye hurts you as much as I.
I am unsure how to react, these apologies appear sincere..
But what I have is pain.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My love

Matrimonial convictions cover me whole,
With a hole in the center,spreading rapidly,
It tears around the edge of my dress,
Shredding up the seam until I am naked. 

I've accepted my sentence of loneliness,
That I'll walk this aisle alone,
Dismiss what I ever wanted since I was a little girl.

I had what I truly wanted,
It fell between my fingers along with my ring,
I lost my one true love. .
I cannot search for what already was. 

Once I was told that I will move forward,
I know I can't defy the gravity, the pull...
Time will move my body, but my soul stands still.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I can hear the rain pouring outside my door,
There's an old man on the corner trying to stay warm,
The windshields blurred, but I can still see the same. 

I wear my gloves tight with my hands on the wheel, 
Turn the signal to the right down the street where I used to feel,
I have no passenger, but if I did, I'd still be alone. 

I drive downtown through the concrete hills, see the smoke stacks below me. 
Pass the old footsteps that I walked in the more happy days...
Cross the paths of the streets I knew...
Twenty fives miles per hour, makes it all blur from here,
Take a glance in my rear view mirror and your not there. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

To the discerning group who have big point of views,
You wear your collars as halos and the fashion show makes sense...
These chapters keep changing and I can't keep up...
My time spent alone is effervescent yet numb.

I'm walking on a tight rope above a pit of venomous snakes,
The wind rolls in every direction causing my vulnerable frame to sway,
In the long run it's much better, but till then I'd rather hide,
Let the world that's worn take on my soul and bury me...
Envelop me in the ground, let me blossom in a way that's never been done.

But tomorrow's another lifetime. These curves in my life won't always fray. I'll look up to that star, remember myself and maybe you...or you...and them. And how things just are. Fucking remarkable.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Surrender your attrition to the dead end of winter,
My magnetism draws the soul of the unwilling... 

I'm burning inside, my heart lives.
My blood turns cold from the everlasting ache. 

I'll remain silent and lock what's left..
Dream of love and become forgotten. 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

One by one these pillars have fallen down,
Behind me lays destruction.
I keep walking.

My boots worn and haggard, I drag my feet.
Torn attire adorns my fading frame.

Brown smoke, yellow horizons..
An empty desert swallowing me whole.
I squint my eyes, the distant promise of light guides me..

Sunday, January 15, 2012

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade......?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I know I've said this all before, but it's a feeling, I'm not willing to ignore..So please relieve me, we all know it's not that easy...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I neglected the garden, roots depleted before they were planted...
Blossomed trees thrived until I came undone...
The fruit fell to the ground, rotted before I could tell.
This harvest could nourish no one..

There's a star in the dark that distracts my broken heart, it's beaming.

See the light shine at night when I gaze into the moon, you share the same view..

Lay my head on my bed, reach out to empty air, your resonance haunts me.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Alright, here is a sample.

After recording several times and needing to go to bed. I am just going to post this song I made, because it is long over due....And my camera died toward the end of the song. lol Sorry :(

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Why do I think of you?
I imagine how we used to be. I see cinema clips of us holding arms, walking through the park..
I can feel your hair in my hands when I close my eyes.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I propose a toast to you, on this fine occasion you have been an accomplice to my demise,
I will admit I'm a recluse, living outside my shell has only proven that I'm a liar.

I give you credit for this chaos in my chest, butterflies with knives for wings still flourish.
I've bottled this poison, market it for fortune and put it on the shelves.
Watch the suckers sip on the wine in the candlelight......
Daybreak my mind, banish the woe,
Keep in my mind, my heart stands still.

Thought out the truth, tie down my hands..
Fulfill the curse, begin life again.

Happiness is a blink of my own eyes, your thoughts on the weather will not compromise..

I'll do it just fine.