Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

I have company, I have friends,
Freedom to live the way I intend,
Things get heavy, things get tough,
I'm still here, I don't give up.

I am pulled down to the ground, by a jerk I left awhile back,
Throw some punches, curse at me, do you think I feel anything?
Your angry heart just proves me why, I left your pessimistic side,
I could say fuck you and scream until I'm coarse,
Or sit back and feel no remorse.

I'm so grateful I am me, I choose to live in harmony,
Unlike you I won't hurt any soul on purpose, use the innocent like their puppets,
Pull their strings and watch them dance, manipulate their minds...
Talk bad behind their backs and shake hands after your wine.

Friday, August 17, 2012

So long, does it matter to you?
I say goodbye, but I keep holding on to you...
Until I think of the big picture, I'm filling my head with a painful tincture of lies.

I'm so confused about this time, I don't even know who this is devoted to.
I'm sinking deep into the dark, I might as well..
I base this moment on my pain, will I ever choose the positive side?

I have a choice, my lifes not done, only feels like it now,
My heart won't always be torn, it'll mend when I can relax.
I'd drink this bottle empty, but it won't do me any good,
My mind's already unhealthy, don't need my body to be abused.

I feel misunderstood, like I'm nothing. I hear you say that I can't hear, it's because I don't want to.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I had a dream...It was scary.

It was fall, it was dusk. There was a house, an older one. It was brown with black trim. The inside was empty with hardwood floors. In the kitchen there were open cabinets, all of them. Draws open, the fridge and oven, all open. I stood in the kitchen puzzled to see a large crop of white plates in a spiral. They started to move, some lifted in the air and dropped on the tile breaking. I ran away and was chased by something. It was horrifying. I couldn't see it. I went upstairs and it was almost pitch black,more grey I suppose. I could hear plates shattering downstairs. Then I was driving. Driving like I was escaping. The thoughts in my mind were fear that I was being followed or would be found. I woke up wanting to go back to my dream. I was curious. Hmmm......

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What is true love? Is it a feeling? Is it something that was meant to be and intended to fall in place? A divination that we have no control over? I wonder if it's just chemicals that select people have that respond to one another and create serotonin in our brains that create "love". Maybe more? I don't quite understand how some are drawn to others if there is no chemistry. Personality interests? Connections? It could be as simple as thinking alike and relating or maybe all based on looks...These questions outloud may drive one mad,..I'd like to believe in a mystical, metaphysical pull of two souls uniting, a bond that means more than the past and the future, one that exists in the present, but from my experience it does not work that way.I don't have that much experience though. HAHA.

 I don't know if I am lonely. I was. I was really lonely. I find that loneliness comes from hurting, unhappiness. With yourself? Doubts in your own company...Fears that you will always remain the girl who sleeps alone. The girl who has no one to hold her. Is that necessary? In a really old school fashion way of thinking I am pretty much done for. I've been married, had children and am an old maid, technically. I would be close to the grave in a few years, old age of 30. But that's not how it is now. I have a long life ahead of me technically. How will I love again? Is it safe to say that what I ponder and wonder could all be true? People are puzzle pieces, some fit and some don't. I feel like I'm that weird piece that takes you hours to find it's place, the last piece. I think that's a good thing. I have observed many couples, I'm not a stalker I swear! I have looked in many people windows, watched them eat their meals and argue over television programs they want to watch, sat in corners of bars listening to couples on dates flirting back and forth. Just kidding, I don't know why I am such a freak, but I don't really do that. Anyway, my point is, I see some people settle. I did. At first. I don't know why I did, probably daddy issues, low self esteem at 16. Married the wrong one. I don't want to settle! I want butterflies, whistles and sunshine with a big band playing in the background. I want to be lame like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman. Leaping around a city  joyfully. It's fun.

Why am I writing this?  The bizarre inspiration is my ex husband. We are facebook friends and he is happy and in love. Frequently he posts updates that say  "I love Anna so much"  or "I'm so lucky to have found the woman of my dreams" and in a weird way, it makes me happy. I see that he has found someone that truly gets him,someone he can be with and love.

While him and I were married, he didn't like me. He didn't think I was funny and all we did was watch tv or ignore each other. I'd say a good 6 years was like this, 6 out of 9. The first three consisted of me partying with my friends while debbie downer stayed home and played computer games or talked on online forums. I partied hardy. Usually every night. And every night I'd ask him to join and he'd say nah, I don't like those people or I don't drink it wouldn't be fun. RED FLAGS AMANDA!! DUHHHH. Ignnored. I don't know what my deal was, why'd I stick around? I didn't fuck anyone, nor explored my sexuality as a young woman, made out with a chick, but who didn't when they were 17? I was faithful and devoted to a guy that didn't care to hang out with me and my friends. I guess I liked the security of always having someone there and the freedom to do what I want, so in a way it worked. Well, I got partied out at 21. Quit drinking so much after nearly dying of alcohol poisoning on my 21st Birthday and freaked out about 2012. Yeah, I became kind of paranoid and realized that God didn't exist. Out of no where I wanted to start a family. It was pretty odd. As a teenager I didn't want kids, so this surprised me. Braden had a decent job working for Milgard as a superviser, the economy was awesome. We got married and I got pregnant on our honeymoon.

It was a good time in my life, I was excited for the birth of my first child and felt I had a purpose, for the first time he treated me like I was important. After the birth of Connor we both fell in love with him. He was amazing,more than that, he was everything. I had never felt so much love for another person. I was grateful to have him and loved the experience of being a mother. When my son was almost a year old we decided to have another child, because I didn't want Connor to be an only child, yet I didn't want them far apart. So, after that decision I immediately conceived Evelyn. I am the goddess of fertility. haha...yikes, Braden lost his job. We had to actually spend time together. It was not a good situation. For about six months he was home, I did all the chores, diapers, baby feeding, baby holding...errands...pleased myself with porn...while he was in his "studio" making rap music. I was annoyed and he wasn't very nice to me. He got a job, then we moved around a bunch, wound up at his parents and I was in a deep depression. I was nearing my 25th Birthday and realized I had never fallen in love with anyone. I realized I was wasting my life with someone who didn't love me,someone who was miserable himself. I had to get out. For a good year I thought about leaving everyday. I confided in my mother and sister, begged for their help. Their advice was to save any dime I could. I couldn't though,I didn't do the budget and there was never any money left over. I spent it on the children or he spent it on band equipment. I didn't want to sneak around, I just wanted to leave. I was super lonely, needed an outlet. Created this blog. I began to write poetry again, the first time since my teens. It felt amazing! I had a release and was using my creativity. I had been talking to an old friend online and somehow learned he wrote as well. What I thought was innocent turned into a romance. Once I fell in love, I knew my marriage was over. I knew it was over a year before, but this confirmed it. I packed my bags and moved into my dads while he was in Hawaii. It was a lot of fun and stressful, but I was in love for the first time. I felt sexy. I felt wanted. I wanted him. I thought he was the most attractive thing in the world, it was just exhilirating. Reality didn't matter. I was in a euphoric stage. Chemicals...relation..connection....Love.

Fast forward to now. I am a single mom! Yay! Party! Why not? I get the weekends free. :)
It sucks. I am mentally strung out. I am the mom and dad all in one. It's really hard to balance that out.  I feel like I'm not as nuturting as I'd like to be, because I have to be firm and strong and discipline,yet comfort and remain calm...And when you've worked all day, have a house to clean, dinner to make and children to care for, you really don't have it all. You just do the best you can. You might make a half ass dinner, turn power rangers on and clean like a mad woman, but it still never feels good enough. And it's hard to think of women who have husbands who are there who help out or just support them. And then listen to your son ask you why you don't have a boyfriend. HAHA. I don't know what to say when he asks that, I just respond with " Mommy doesn't need one!" I love my kids and think they are at a fun age, but I cannot wait for them to be a little bit older, things will be a little easier. I just pray that I am not a single mom when they are teenagers,I don't know if I could handle two hormonal rebels on my own! And they will be rebels....

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The summer sun had turned to me with sincerity and discretion,
He asked me what I truly wanted and I replied with I do not know.

Yesterday I wanted you, I wanted the stars in a jar,
The day before I wanted silence and to fall asleep with the sun...

Soon the leaves will fall, the days will be gone,
And when the moon will ask me what I truly want,
I may reply with an answer, until then I won't know.

I sense a big shift in my life. Something amazing, This shift, this change, has nothing to do with anyone. Not my children, family or friends...Not my work...Not one influence other than my own. This year has been a journey. A time for me to learn and get to know myself. I don't think I really had any idea  who I really was, I still don't, but I guess you can say we are closer now. I depended so much on others, emotionally. I am such a loving, sensitive person as it is, only natural for me to become attached. Now I feel strong. I feel like I see things better. Past relationships especially. I no longer want that. It's the past. I feel satisfied with who I am, therefore I will respect myself and not go backwards. I felt so much pain, thought it would never end. It had a such tight hold on me, like I was chained.

I recently experienced a flashback from reading something, it made me physically ill and honestly took me back to a dark place I never want to return to. It was as if I was sitting on my bed listening to every hurtful thing that I had experienced. I could hear text message sounds repeating in the back of my head, every sound was a stab to my heart, closed doors...Akaward walks in the hallway..Favors, god. How did it turn out like that? One minute was security, the next was a foot in my ass. How did I let myself become a victim?   Was I pathetic? No. I was human. I was hurt. I was confused and was treated like nothing. I don't ever want that, ever. I will never let that happen again. I am worthy of love, that's what my name means. I am worthy of my own love. I seriously feel like I have woken up over night. I thank the person who showed me this again ,she does not know how it may have saved my heart. She was innocent, yet I despised her. The true culprit for my pain is my own fears and the fears of the other who harmed me with their own pain. When you are so involved, connected with another, you can transfer everything, pain, oh yes...PAIN.

It's sad.  I remember so much light and happiness. I remember feeling complete. I remember laughing all day and making love. I remember waking up in the morning next to the one I adored the most and I felt so secure. I remember walking in the store alone thinking of that person and how I wanted to buy their favorite things for them and surprise them when they got home. I remember never feeling lonely. I am haunted with these destinations, restaurants, stores....Parks...Bars, I could see him and I sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling. So much love. It's been horrible. Honestly horrible. But now, it's going away. I no longer reminisce of the love I had or see the cinema clips of a romance movie we shared. It's like that person that I loved and trusted passed away. All this time since then I have been mourning, I thought it was a desire to be together again, I thought maybe it would happen. He would come back to me and tell me everything was okay, he loves me and he is sorry and would never leave me again, but that cannot happen when they are dead. I am stubborn, so of course it has taken me this long to read the fine print. I get it now.

 I think the only way I'd ever consider being with another person is if they hit me with a club and dragged me into a cave.....

Back to the shift....I don't really know how to explain it, but it is a state of mind. An outlook. A confidence. No one else can taint this, but myself..And I am pretty content with this. It's amazing to actually care about yourself and see the big picture. I am almost there. So close. Arms reach to enlightenment.....

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I've removed myself from the clowder,
I won't let them have me,
They scratch my door in panic,
The damage I can't see..

I've found a new perspective,
I'll get to know me,
They won't break through my door,
I have security.

Friday, August 10, 2012

My body is a prism, reflecting light across the borders.
My mind is a prison filled with thoughts that burden my brain.
My soul seeks relativity and freedom from being enslaved.

I can feel my heart turn to stone, all the things that I cared about don't matter anymore,
I can see how people turn bitter, the world tosses your life around, until you are worn. 

I've learned we are all selfish, defending ourselves,
You are wrong and I am right, whose to say it so? 

All I ever wanted was peace, the closer I am, the more I am alone. 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

I have not been thinking..I have been ignoring that little voice in my head. I can't tell my conscience from my ego anymore. I don't want to be bad. I am trying hard to place my feelings in the right place, but I am being clumsy. It's like I have all my thoughts and actions in my hands and I am dropping them all over creating a mess everywhere. Why do I do this? Why is it every time I am low, I want comfort from someone who wont even call me for months. I often think of psychic readings and what has been said to me.. My spirit guide can communicate with someone other than me? His name is Jonathan? Descriptions of a person who resembles my previous boyfriend, they knew his name! It's a trip. Time frames given to me..Six months from June I am supposed to be with my soul mate. December...Maybe that's when my soul will leave? 

I'm ashamed, I am lost,
Can't remember what I thought,
What I said or what I did...
Woke up feeling dead.
Alcohol can set you free or bring you below.