Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Troubled trees blowing freely,
I'd pray to medusa but she does not exist,
Depressed nest of newborn birds,
Their mom ain't coming, she has been captured.
 The air feels frigid to my skin,
I am shocked to find the truth.
Oh tell me what to do, but you know.
He won't listen to you.

Your traditions aren't worth anything to a man who takes no myth.
Your photographs mean nothing when they'll disintegrate anyway.
I walk this path with no ties behind me, break free of your shame,
The lesson learned in this life is to always be happy. 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

I've been going through some changes in my head,
The thoughts I used to think of are instinct from what's been said,
If I could explain this self discovery, you'd find holes that were dug into. 

I closed my door to the outside world, let the sounds turn silent, drown out the opinions. 
The one thing that stayed was what I cared for the most.
This physical heart pumps blood into my veins, the rhythm of my own song is what I'll play today.

Transformations happen whether you see it or not, my perception can be a dark one with a dim frame. 
When fear is brought in I build a wall, not allowing the negative persuade..
Yet here I that way.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

I long to step into nature and feel my body against the grain,
I only want to spend some time, you and I...away
I'd love for you to stay with me...and know my love for you. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

This place that I live you've never been,
It's existence an address in my head.

I'd like to create a picture you'd take..the phone rings again. another interruption. 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Off with your head and onto the next,
Do you for see my betrothed to be?
Go to your bed and bury your throat,
The screams you have choked on will never be heard.

A fine woman indeed who walked so dainty,
The gentlemen follow and bend down to their knees,
Silence she asks with a wave of her hand,
Go down to the place where my shoe can fit.

No sense in spilling the truth, no one can hear you,
She cries to her self and knows no one can help,
Let the rain fall down, let the rain soak herself.
The dreams you have wished for are a fairy tale. 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Clean up your mess, there's no such thing has help.
Don't burden the ones you love, they'll never come back. 

I've been tired, I've been down, no need to sink you too...
I express my pain with words, but I don't blame them. 

All I want is to love and forget what made me feel this way.
She only writes when she's sad, the only thing that can comfort...
She make believes that she's important, when others ignore her.

Her eyes reveal her emotions, can't quite figure how to disclose them....
Yet when she grins, her problems are forgotten.

She has more hope than most, it's what keeps her going,
Has faith in others more, than her own belief.

She would like to make you laugh, to see you happy,
Although her time is limited, she doesn't mind waiting.

House of cards on the floor,
Pick them up before they dissapear.

Goodnight my darling may I have a kiss?
Not tonight I've vanished.

Sunset dies and lives again,
My innocent eyes have been damaged,
My mind has been shocked,
I might sink from the top.

Fear has taken me on a date,
Left me while I was powdering my nose..
Where did they go? they don't know.

I'm crying here like a child...whose mom won't comfort my fall.
I guess I'll just get up and love myself. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

There's always madness, There will always be.
Yet there's always happiness, going on somewhere in this world.
Broad spectrum. Point. Reality.
Love. Pain.....

I was a passenger, on our way home.
I talked of my children before we met.
Tears ran down my cheeks as we spoke of compassion.
Lights shined in my condensation...
It was quiet in the back, my love content.
A forceful blow to the head, lunged us forward.
Her voice rose as she said "oh my god".
The once silent back was comforting.
His calm words assured me the moment before the crash.
I looked forward, hands braced to the side,
Trees and darkness a head of me.
The front of our vessel went down,
Causing the car to flip in the air....
Gravity and five seconds later,
We had landed.

Are we alive?
My vision blurred.
Fearful thoughts drowned my reality.
To my left, she was hanging there.
"We have to get out" was said behind me.
Belts holding us tight, blood rushing to my head..
I released myself to the shattered glass under me,
Wrists could barely support.the fall.
I can't get out.
The doors were pinned tight and the window would not roll...
Panic was setting in.
He kicked the door and I climbed out.
Turn around and see the horror.
Is she okay? Her legs look crushed.
My imagination took over.
Shaken in the night, the roads were pitch black.
" I need my glasses " she said, still hanging.
I watched as my love searched.
He found her sight and they emerged from the crushed vehicle.

Ahead in the brush was the car that hit us.
Lights flashing in the night.
A friends tune on the stereo continued to play..
We stood and held on to each other.

I've been depressed. I've let pessimistic thoughts burden me. 
Not since awhile, when I'd smile, this mask wouldn't burn. 
I'd talk to you, share my view and your tone or lecture scared me...
It's not what you say, it's the rhythm of your breath, vibrations of your intent....
Frustration, loss of cause, the point you have placed, has a harder time making it through. 
It's not anyone's fault, I walk in my own problems, just in need of some positive truth, 
I cry in my bed, laundry, clutter everywhere, why can't I move? 
Traumatic events open doorways that hurt. 
The stress wins the race. 

This negativity needs to end, I have a lot to be happy about. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The bond between those who love deeply is mysterious.
When their eyes meet a glimmer appears in an exclusive way.
Words of beauty speak eloquently when shared.
A desire and need for physical affection...
When met, mind is at peace.  

Saturday, April 20, 2013

I got a man whose infected with the fever, I got a man whose burning inside
I got no money, but I'm somewhat of a believer, the grass caught on fire and it's better on my side.

Won't you run away with me, I can't cure you but, I think, a little medicine just might make this right,
I could bound and tie your wrists, be your dominatrix or smile real sweet and bandage your fists...

I got a man whose heart beats to a rhythem, a tune I play when he's inside of me.
I got a heart that shattered on the kitchen table, my family dined and were fed for a year.

Won't you come and stay with me, we could build this house with leaves, I'd tell the wind to take a hike.
I could grow our own garden, the one we dreamed and forgotten, plant the new life and let our love subside.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

As I lay here on my couch, I am nauseous.
I want to express myself, but know it's negative.
I can write how I feel and be done...
I don't understand why I am sick.
Every month. Weak immunity?
Over exerted?
I feel like I am no fun.
I try to be healthy.
I haven't drank a drop of alcohol in almost seven months.
I haven't had sugar, besides potatoes in almost a month.
I turn white as a ghost and puke at work randomly.
I take all my vitamins and probiotics like a good girl.
I go to the gym despite how I feel.
I want to live and do things.
I am afraid that no one will be there.
I am so tired.  

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I approached a lone man. his eyes were covered by one hand, the other rested on his lap. 
He appeared to have no tongue, could not speak, hum or tell what he had written down. 
I leaned down to his side and whispered in his ear "why are you here?".
Silence was my cue he could not hear. 
Gardens surrounded the shelter. 
Lush, green flora imprisoned us.  
Clouds formed a grey gate outside the entrance. 
Vines and branches rapidly grew before me.
Hands and ankles bound, lifted above ground......
The man laughed as if he knew....

It poured, acid like rain burned my skin.
The clothing I wore melted away.
The fumes from the air disrupted my vocal projection. 
A loud roar of thunder echoed in the night...
Blood dripped down from my ears..
The man stood on one foot and removed his hands from his eyes.
I was blinded by the toxic skies. 
"Want to live?" he asked "Sign this paper and you'll pass."
Of course I would to survive..
The deed was did and done, the man vanished and I was left.
My sight had been taken, I could not speak, nor hear. 
I traced what was written with the tips of my fingers...

I have lived for millions of years and evolved thousands of times...
The elements I endured failed to eliminate my existence.
I dwell in your mind and pierce into your soul when you are weak.
Any negative thought feeds me with delight...
If you turn off the lights, I will appear.

Man fears my truth. I am paid to be ignored.
You may sacrifice yourself for me..
I will never approve.
Even though I say I do...

I am you. I am your enemy. I will fill your heart with dread. Keep you from happiness.

There may be light and there may be love, the strongest bonds become parallel....
Unite, trust and speak of peace, banish the darkness that resides in all of us. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I just need to vent.

As of right now, I am in between. I have several different paths and I have no control of either of them at the moment. My brain isn't handling it the best and my stress levels are increasing. I never imagined being a single parent would be this. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realize it would drive me to the brink of insanity. I am kidding. Sort of. VENT! If I move to a different school district that has the best elementary school I would have to take my children to a ghetto daycare. If I stay where I am and place him in a school in my district, it's acceptable just not bad ass, but the childcare would be at a home and more flexible, less likely to get ill....Ideally I would like to not work and just use loans, I realized student loans $10-20K a year for daycare plus extra for living expenses would not work out, I can't even get that much....So...I have to work. I feel insecure at my current job and am not sure if my new college schedule will suffice, so I may need to get new employment. With the new flexible daycares I am looking into I could work at night if needed. I could get a job as a waitress if I have to. I am going to do whatever I have to, but I know that I will be burned out. It's for my children's future, I want to make sure I can support them and have security....I could bawl my eyes out just thinking about it. but, I am strong. I can do this. Fuck yeah!!!


I am going to post pone College. Focus on the children, get them in school...Attend school for myself when they are in school......That way I don't get raped by Daycare costs. I am relieved honestly. Very relieved. I had so much stress and concern that this was going to be too much and as I am getting deeper into reality, I know that patience is a virtue and being there for Connor and Evelyn at a young age is something I cannot replace. I love them so much and I want to remain sane and not turn into a stressed out and unavailable parent...Keep options open. Dear Connor and Evelyn. when you are older I am going to make you read this. :D

Sunday, February 10, 2013

As time grows closer to mystery, my mind is all over the place. 
I've become vain for a distraction..
Can I categorize my life like files in a cabinet?
I've soared over cliffs higher than this, yet I exhaust my mind with tasks. 

Like an old habit that surfaces, I think back at how I've rekindled it...
When the plate is heavy and you get lost up ahead, the kettle will boil and burn your skin. 
I've learned from before that this is not the best....Way to clean up your stress. 

And the conclusion to this day is to love, dream and have faith. Thank those who care enough to communicate. 

Thursday, January 31, 2013

I slept for six days and three hours,
In between the shut eye I was fed by a black cat.
The time spent drowsing was a blur, feels as though I've woken asleep.
Debilitated was all I could mumble..At first,
It hurts when they assume the worst, lost faith in ones word is a sad truth...
Who could blame them, I don't even trust my own father.

Sometimes I forget my name, walk around this cement maze....
But I remember my hope.
I dream of leisure and I know that someday my vision will come true.
That the turquoise sea and palms will be there.

My mind has been altered and the previous thoughts and beliefs are scattered all over the place.
What was altered has no relation to politics or religion....
But a open your eyes to life and know who you are.
Johnny isn't going to save you! Nor will Betty!
I will though, 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

This well was dug deep for me.
Drop a coin, make a wish...Look down. 
I see condensation on the stones..
The water can't quite reach the pail I've let go. 

I'd climb down if I was sure,
That all was desired wasn't absurd..
I want to be that girl. 
The one who is wanted and loved like she should. 

Words can be artificial, the meanings can lose their feelings. 
Yet I long for communication.

Assure me. 

This is how I feel about work.

Impending satisfaction guaranteed,
Sign the papers...
Listen for the last breath of your master..
Watch the mug shatter on the floor.

Laughing for no reason,
my mind is a circus.
Grins stretched so far, the creases of your mouth bleed.
Consumers dive into healthy habits,
yet they lack sanity.

Sparkle for me baby, prove to me I'm pretty,
Walk that runway....Back and forth..repeat. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

How many Christians does it take to convert an agnostic?  0?! Leave me alone!!!

How many e-mail responses do I have to write to these people? Hopefully the last several is it. I am getting pissed at this point. I get it, you need a ticket to heaven and are so saddened by my sudden realization that your beliefs are ridiculous. Get over it. I am angry! Swarm of gossipers and judgmental ass fags!!!! I would respect you a little more if you'd mind your own business jerks. 
Tomorrow will be my fifth day of a juice fast. I am feeling pretty emotional, which is supposedly a normal detox symptom. When am I not emo though? Haha........

 After work, I went over to my mom's to meet her new puppies. Adorable fuzzballs! I couldn't help but melt when I nuzzled my face up to theirs. Very cute. I want one! She named them Sunny and Sabrina. My behavior was rather strange tonight though. I talked to the puppies as if they were babies and couldn't get enough of them. I love animals, but don't get too crazy. We watched the movie "Ted", I liked it a lot, my kind of humor and it had a chick, love story kind of thing. After the movie, I got pretty serious. I actually cried like a baby. I talked about my mind when I was a child and how I felt... Growing up I watched my mom get mistreated by my father despite how hard she tried to make it work.. He was mentally abusive to her. I longed for a normal family. I knew ours was dysfunctional. I remember spending time with my friends families and watching their parents interact and I wanted that for my mom. I dug deeper into what I feel now and how I still and always will want that, but now it's for myself. I realized that I never want Connor and Evelyn to feel the way I did, to watch their mom hurt and suffer. It all makes sense I suppose. I married young to someone who was safe, I even remember thinking that he would never abuse me and that's all that mattered..Bleh. I feel nauseated. I've grown up. I know that I am worth more than that. I am happy with how things have turned out even though it's been hard. I don't need to worry about my mom, she is taken care of. I understand that my father was sick. My kids are amazing and resilient and I am strong and will do my best to keep them safe in all ways. All you need is love. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Walk in the park


Natural laugh

Deep thought


Green moss


Animal graveyard

The man with the crow wishbone 



Poof ( Goodbye ego? )

Home furnishings

Look at this

My love

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

"Lone Lotus"

The crystal stars have shined good fortune my dear...
A cold winter night proven to be the warmest last year...
I pinch my cheek to see if I'm here.. 

I took a trip and when I returned,
I came back without burden.
The hours that passed were years of experience.
These concepts could prove marvel truth beyond explanation. 

I'm an artist who lacked confidence. Aware of how it all happened. 
A curious cat seeking answers, I have let go.

You are the scientist whose creative mind accentuates the beauty of life and understanding. 
Your carpenter hands could build a future worth living. 

I'm relieved, now I can sleep..
My mind was tired of running away.
And with this experience and year of study...
The greatest lesson of all was simplicity. 

The river bed harvested the drifted off into the nile....
Time had taken her away, again.
Alone the lotus rest..Until the sun would rise..
Her days remained night.
Reborn into the rise of tomorrow,
Intertwined with another...
Creation of light and peace..
The waters carried them toward a new day.