Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Stage fright. It's like I'm standing in the front with nothing to say. The light blinds my sight.
 Time is moving again and I'm crying.
I don't get it. Why is this so complicated? I don't want to grow up or die young.
I don't want this..I don't want this to be. I only wanted, only wanted to be happy.
Now I'm facing health debt. The sorrows depleting me. 
Is it all because of what I chose or that I'll always be alone.

Monday, November 26, 2012

thoughts in one minute.

and then there was the blame game. it's my fault. I need to clean up my own mess..threats.....bull shit. I like how as soon as I'm content, I am thrown a bunch of drama. But I don't care. I've got apples and persimmons and a cup of tea. yeah, tea. and connor and evelyn are with me. and i am lucky to have a warm, soft blanket and Xanax.  and a costco membership. and I have a nice looking face. and even though I am hated by some, I can sleep at night..and dream...and rest. and wake up. Is this real? Yep. I don't wanna be a sheep anymore. I'm an indian giver.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Our minds have so much control of what we are. And do...feel. I am day and night, sunrise? I don't know. I thought I was insane.. Facing who you are and looking back at how you've behaved is hard.  It's like you lived this fantasy and thought you were A-okay and then you are slapped with a reality that you are a little crazy. Denying and such. And here we are, totally chill. It's kind of weird how that happened. Over the last few months I've been hit pretty hard with depression and everything going wrong in my life. It's like this viscous circle on repeat. A few weeks ago, I hit a point where I was done, about to throw in towel and say "you've won" to whatever I felt was dumping me with bad ju ju. And then I got out of it, like usual. One of my thoughts were black momma for some reason. Only this time it wasn't because I was fighting for my life, I just literally told my body and mind " you've got to let go, because if you don't, your gonna die ". I haven't let things raise my blood pressure since then. I don't want to be sick or stressed about simple problems or even big problems. So, I'm not. And same goes for everything. The result has been great. I feel like my energy has returned and for that, people respond to me differently, peacefully...Now if I could only fix the world...Meh.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I trust that time will tell me like it has before....
That when I move through days, I'll still remember.
The months have paved over..
The bliss.
The pain...
Yet another year has passed...
And here I am at last...
I came to a point where I almost took my life,
for what was the reason? I believe it to be my mind.
Hell had taken over my peace, convinced me I'm not worth it, but I am.
I like to plan and have my path drawn out, like a map, a road a destination I sought...
It's absurd to have this mentality when your not mathematical.
I can't equate my future and be OCD, the only thing I'll get from that is insanity..
I've taken it in. I almost lost everything. I won't give in. I feel different...
I'm taking a vacation. No more over time on my own judgement.

I'm inspired to write this, but this hasn't been something I've woken up with. I have had some bad times. And I've looked back and I've realized a lot of the bad times were how I made them. Yeah, getting your foot run over is crazy and horrible, but I was crazy and crazy stuff happens to people who are...crazy. Even looking back further I think of my Myspace blog. Jeez, how silly. I complained so much and could make something simple sound devastating. Although that stomach flu Connor and I had was nasty, but what I just put up with this last week doesn't compare.Three people with the stomach toilet...yay! I just have come to a point where I know what I am. I know my weakness's, my strengths...And sometimes I fall down and have a hard time getting back up, because I keep throwing rocks and blunt objects at myself and my pride and then feel self pity. Absolutely pointless and a good way of wasting energy, not to mention bad for my health.
So, here's a list of all the shit that's happened and how I don't carry it with me or let it affect my life..anymore..and theres positive as therapy....

From the beginning and in somewhat of an order...

Abusive Father       =      Strong willed child
Childhood Vanity   =       Stylish Adult
Fire                       =       Comfortable in a courthouse
Longing for family  =       Making friends
Judgement from Family =  Understanding
Overprotective Mother = Love
Gastrointestinal issues   = Interest in medicine
Social dysfunction during puberty = Made me eccentric
Alcohol and Drug Abuse  = Introduction to culture
Low self esteem = Made me modest
Unhealthy teen relationship = Kept me stable
Unsatisfactory intimacy = Kept me from STDS
Dying Thyroid = Gave me intuition despite doctors
Accepting an unhealthy relationship and marriage = Gave me my son and daughter
Fear = Study paranormal
Loss = Appreciate loved ones
Unsupportive partner = Focus on myself
Separation = Brought me true love
Feminine related health issues = Was a mean lesson!
Miscarriage = Accepting reality no matter how sad it is
Divorce = Release
Car accident = Take better care of things
Heartbreak = Love yourself
Almost Abducted = Learn self defense
Weight loss induced stress = Oo sexy!
Eviction = Don't live with people off the internet
Theft = Never leave valuables in sight
Unhealthy habits =  Wake up call
Daughter's seizure = Awareness
Surgery = Vacation
Dealing with an A-hole Ex husband who thinks he's a better parent = Compassion
Losing hours due to ill children = Spending time with kids
Financial struggle = Enjoying simplicity
Loneliness = Music
Hair loss and hormone imbalance = Nutrition
Fear of losing job = Work harder.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm feeling super weird lately. I think Christianity has made me insane. I understand the principles, sure and I experienced the holy spirit, something I hadn't felt since I was younger...And it's like this knowing, this comfort and understanding, but now living it and balancing it is bothering me and with that being said, it's like I'm Satan or something. I don't mind Church, it's positive and the place has a good feeling and praising the lord is awesome, but saying that makes me feel stupid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. And I miss my Tarot cards. Haha....I don't care, I still associate with what I know. I believe in God, but do I believe in rules? To an extent. I believe in your own free will...I believe in aliens. And I don't care what anyone thinks. 
The devils in my head, hells taking up my thoughts,
I see red when I think. 
My faith be at test, I'm losing the battle..
I contest.

 I've come to a point where I have no care, let the trials fill my pantry...
I'll drive my car off a cliff or just laugh at all my misfortune...
It's funny how it's been, my life in a whirlwind....a tragic comedy.

Now all I can do is sit back and watch this train wreck with a grin. 
Wait for the credits to roll in....
Be surprised what happens in the end. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

I have this broken heart and I'm falling apart,
Can't seem to stitch it back together...
And I fall off track, I can't relax,
This track is a trek and I'm falling down the mountain!
My head can't take the heat, so I play my life on repeat...
Slipping down....down...until I'm under the ground.

I rise to the surface, and push through the dirt...
Once again I am unearthed.
I look at the sky and wonder..Why?...and why again?
This formation of love is not just story, it was embedded in my chest two years ago.

Faith and hope I can't ignore....nor you I don't belong to..or?
So I talk...I speak what's on my mind..Could my words fulfill or deplete you?
I wilt when I'm starved and I am, are you?
My passions run dry, all the hurt I've kept inside is dry.
I have no tears, they've dried as though I've died.

All this angst comes from truth....
Yet here I am again spilling my guts, breaking my bones....bleeding my heart for you.
Tide pulls me in...pulls me under...I'm waiting for you.
I'm crazy for you.
My love is for you.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

So confused........
I wish there was a way for me to to...
My feelings are never right. Hello, nice to meet you. See ya....No thanks.
Never right...Never feels right.
I wonder why.
I just want whats meant.
Tired of wonder and declining.
Declination...Please end.
Acceptance please arrive.
Let there be peace and love.