Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

How have you made me this way? So Far I have no complaints.

Make me a believer, make me new, forget all the things I put myself through.
It's just a matter of thought, I walked through a maze to seek what I sought,
Choices weren't clear until I found you..I worshiped love...I had no clue.
It doesn't really matter what they might say, my hearts decisions are what you've made..

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Picked up my guitar since forever and wrote a little song..

Hello my darling, how are you/?
Hello my dear friend, I never knew...

Say goodbye to me again,
Goodbye my darling, I never want to see you.

Monday, October 15, 2012

What? Amanda's a Christian?

Yes. I don't know how to explain it to anyone really, you'd have to live and be in my body, experience my life and that's not possible, but I can tell you this. God exists. I was agnostic since I was a teenager, before that I had a deep connection to a presence I knew as God. I prayed every night and talked to him about everything.Somewhere along the line of a tormented childhood and dysfunctional pre teen era, I lost faith in God and was angry. I had such strong feelings against anything holy. I actually wanted to die and suffer. I wanted to be alone. I played with magic. Witchcraft...Always had a strong connection to it, I could not explain. I know that I'm some sort of spiritual gateway, sensitive, but what I used it for is all that truly matters.

That spiritual gateway was never meant to be used the way I was using it....I was so stubborn, like most of the people I know. So many questions...Judgments....Science....But when you reach your hand out, beg for mercy and forgiveness and are touched by the Holy spirit and Jesus Christ, you realize that all that you were experiencing, all the connections, metaphysical and psychic readings couldn't even lead up to this. It's a complete sense of peace and love. When I speak of holiness I feel harmony in my chest....I am one, I do not worship myself or any other man or woman on this earth. Not one person is better than me. We are all equal, God is mighty and powerful, I worship the son, the father and the holy spirit now. If I had a time machine and was able to view this blog entry a year ago I would have been shocked. I sort of am shocked that this has happened. It's interesting to look back at everything that has lead me here, to my new found faith. The people, the path....It all ties together. I'm a sinner, and I am a human and God sent his only son to die for our sins so we could have eternal life, so we could be forgiven. The disbelief of this is so common. I thought it was a joke. I felt sorry for the "sheep" who believed this. Turn the tables and I realize how judgmental I had been...On how I am now being judged and told to look at the big picture. Well, I've lived the life on the other side and it's a lonely one....And then that changed. I was summoned. I let go.....I felt the holy spirit. I feel so different now. I've always had a desire to love, but now that has grown even stronger. I have so much feeling for the world. I want to share what has happened to me, I want everyone to feel this joy. But I also remember what I thought before now and how irritating it was to be preached to.  

I have become involved in a church, what an amazing place. I was baptized this morning.

 A married couple who I have become good friends with did the ceremony for me. The three of us stood in front of 100 or more people. They spoke of my story and how I found faith then he asked if there was anything I wanted to say. I felt compelled to...I was not nervous at all, I couldn't believe how easy it was to speak in front of all those people and open my heart.....

There was a metal tub filled with water and they stood on each end. I climbed into the tub of luke warm water and put my arms across my chest holding one wrist. They pulled me back into the water. I died and was reborn. That is the symbolism behind the baptism, but in reality I died and was reborn as soon as I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior.....

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Oh the mystics they can't see the change upon me, oh the mystics can't see, through me.
I can no longer tell a lie, for I'm filled with a new pride, the lies, they talk to me no more.
Oh, how'd you know? That there's ever so much more? In my heart I feel alive,
On the day I proclaim, that the pain will go away, my heart beats the same...and the pain can go..away.
Look up at the sky, tell me what is it you see. Do you see stars in the distant space, tell me of your maker.
I've been high, inebriated, I've collapsed when I drowned. On the day I became a believer...
All my thoughts...were answered, accept the devils lies, he won't let me go just yet...
His talons have dug deeper, pulling me under....underground...fill my mind with fears that I'm alone...
Who would ever love this girl?
Oh how it seems, that I'll ever wake this dream, I'm tied in a knot to my bed....
As much as I've seen and the love I'd like to believe, my heart is broken, yet I still feel sunshine...
And pray that my life will be free. That the devil will no longer want me. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Significant other disease,
I'm infected without a reason,
This fever has turned me blind,
My skin boils from the heat.
I can't see you standing there,
You don't care, you don't care.
I peel my eyes wide open,
but your still no where.

I find it pathetic where I fall,
How I still long for you now,
How I write you on your phone...
How pathetic I've become.
But whose to say that it's not right?
That I feel despite what's in front of me...
I'm just too stubborn to let go...
Of the one I loved before.

I don't quite understand...Why I still do...
You aren't even the same person I knew,
Nor am I, so what's the use?
I could race back and forth between time,
Think of all the times we lied,
Think of all the times we kissed,
Or listened to cds...
La la la..I can't hear it anymore...
I just wish I could see you face to face,
Introduce the people we are today....
and close the curtain. take a bow and say goodnight....
Make a toast for a cure.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I lay on my couch with a stuffy nose. The lights are dimmed in a way that comforts my eyes..
I watch my favorite show about doctors and sex, fantasize about wearing scrubs...
My first Friday has begun and I'm looking forward to my next one.
A few days from now is an anniversary of my birth.
I sometimes wonder how it would be if I never was..
But those thoughts will never help.

The past hurts and the present is bitter sweet.
I have kept on track, yet I've fallen to my knees..
I am head strong for the things that I want and also toward things that are unwanted...

I find a serene state of mind when I meditate and pray,
I fall off track when I concentrate on being lonesome...
Yet I know I'm not alone...
Although I can't blame myself for wanting more.