This moment in my life is confusing. I feel trapped between a happy place and a totally miserable and depressing state of mind. I have been trying to categorize my thoughts and label the negative ones as tricks and depression and try to remember that I do laugh and that I will smile again despite the frustration of how I feel. It's temporary, right?
For most of my life I have had a "partner" whether it was a best friend, my mother or boyfriend. Besides now, the only time that I was a single person was my freshman and sophomore year. I distanced myself from my mother, I had friends, but never attached myself to one and didn't have a boyfriend and didn't really care. I was very confident and assure of myself, but was also wild and a lush.
What am I now? I am lonely. I am building myself up for whatever I have to deal with. I have two children who need a mother and I am doing everything I can to be there. I find myself zoning out most the time, escaping. I have seen a progression and change in myself and for the most part I see growth and maturity, but I also see hardening and distrust. I had faith in just about any possibility, but now I don't really know what to believe. I want to trust all, but I've lost my innocent warmth. We are all born the same way, some of us have mental defects that would cause us not to fit in with the world, but in most cases we are new, innocent and happy. It's life that changes us..People change us. Sorrow....Death....Loss.....Abuse.....We let these things change how we are and think, but can't we make the change like all the other reasons? I exist. I am breathing. I have changed people. I can change myself. I can smile. I can realize that you can't control life, that the plans we have change and not to be disappointed in what has happened. Instead appreciate your life and every moment you have with no fear of yourself or others.
I want to love, I want peace and security. I want to be free and make positive changes in this world. I just need to continue what I am doing...Breathe...
For most of my life I have had a "partner" whether it was a best friend, my mother or boyfriend. Besides now, the only time that I was a single person was my freshman and sophomore year. I distanced myself from my mother, I had friends, but never attached myself to one and didn't have a boyfriend and didn't really care. I was very confident and assure of myself, but was also wild and a lush.
What am I now? I am lonely. I am building myself up for whatever I have to deal with. I have two children who need a mother and I am doing everything I can to be there. I find myself zoning out most the time, escaping. I have seen a progression and change in myself and for the most part I see growth and maturity, but I also see hardening and distrust. I had faith in just about any possibility, but now I don't really know what to believe. I want to trust all, but I've lost my innocent warmth. We are all born the same way, some of us have mental defects that would cause us not to fit in with the world, but in most cases we are new, innocent and happy. It's life that changes us..People change us. Sorrow....Death....Loss.....Abuse.....We let these things change how we are and think, but can't we make the change like all the other reasons? I exist. I am breathing. I have changed people. I can change myself. I can smile. I can realize that you can't control life, that the plans we have change and not to be disappointed in what has happened. Instead appreciate your life and every moment you have with no fear of yourself or others.
I want to love, I want peace and security. I want to be free and make positive changes in this world. I just need to continue what I am doing...Breathe...
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