Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The summer sun had turned to me with sincerity and discretion,
He asked me what I truly wanted and I replied with I do not know.

Yesterday I wanted you, I wanted the stars in a jar,
The day before I wanted silence and to fall asleep with the sun...

Soon the leaves will fall, the days will be gone,
And when the moon will ask me what I truly want,
I may reply with an answer, until then I won't know.

I sense a big shift in my life. Something amazing, This shift, this change, has nothing to do with anyone. Not my children, family or friends...Not my work...Not one influence other than my own. This year has been a journey. A time for me to learn and get to know myself. I don't think I really had any idea  who I really was, I still don't, but I guess you can say we are closer now. I depended so much on others, emotionally. I am such a loving, sensitive person as it is, only natural for me to become attached. Now I feel strong. I feel like I see things better. Past relationships especially. I no longer want that. It's the past. I feel satisfied with who I am, therefore I will respect myself and not go backwards. I felt so much pain, thought it would never end. It had a such tight hold on me, like I was chained.

I recently experienced a flashback from reading something, it made me physically ill and honestly took me back to a dark place I never want to return to. It was as if I was sitting on my bed listening to every hurtful thing that I had experienced. I could hear text message sounds repeating in the back of my head, every sound was a stab to my heart, closed doors...Akaward walks in the hallway..Favors, god. How did it turn out like that? One minute was security, the next was a foot in my ass. How did I let myself become a victim?   Was I pathetic? No. I was human. I was hurt. I was confused and was treated like nothing. I don't ever want that, ever. I will never let that happen again. I am worthy of love, that's what my name means. I am worthy of my own love. I seriously feel like I have woken up over night. I thank the person who showed me this again ,she does not know how it may have saved my heart. She was innocent, yet I despised her. The true culprit for my pain is my own fears and the fears of the other who harmed me with their own pain. When you are so involved, connected with another, you can transfer everything, pain, oh yes...PAIN.

It's sad.  I remember so much light and happiness. I remember feeling complete. I remember laughing all day and making love. I remember waking up in the morning next to the one I adored the most and I felt so secure. I remember walking in the store alone thinking of that person and how I wanted to buy their favorite things for them and surprise them when they got home. I remember never feeling lonely. I am haunted with these destinations, restaurants, stores....Parks...Bars, I could see him and I sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling. So much love. It's been horrible. Honestly horrible. But now, it's going away. I no longer reminisce of the love I had or see the cinema clips of a romance movie we shared. It's like that person that I loved and trusted passed away. All this time since then I have been mourning, I thought it was a desire to be together again, I thought maybe it would happen. He would come back to me and tell me everything was okay, he loves me and he is sorry and would never leave me again, but that cannot happen when they are dead. I am stubborn, so of course it has taken me this long to read the fine print. I get it now.

 I think the only way I'd ever consider being with another person is if they hit me with a club and dragged me into a cave.....

Back to the shift....I don't really know how to explain it, but it is a state of mind. An outlook. A confidence. No one else can taint this, but myself..And I am pretty content with this. It's amazing to actually care about yourself and see the big picture. I am almost there. So close. Arms reach to enlightenment.....

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