Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What is true love? Is it a feeling? Is it something that was meant to be and intended to fall in place? A divination that we have no control over? I wonder if it's just chemicals that select people have that respond to one another and create serotonin in our brains that create "love". Maybe more? I don't quite understand how some are drawn to others if there is no chemistry. Personality interests? Connections? It could be as simple as thinking alike and relating or maybe all based on looks...These questions outloud may drive one mad,..I'd like to believe in a mystical, metaphysical pull of two souls uniting, a bond that means more than the past and the future, one that exists in the present, but from my experience it does not work that way.I don't have that much experience though. HAHA.

 I don't know if I am lonely. I was. I was really lonely. I find that loneliness comes from hurting, unhappiness. With yourself? Doubts in your own company...Fears that you will always remain the girl who sleeps alone. The girl who has no one to hold her. Is that necessary? In a really old school fashion way of thinking I am pretty much done for. I've been married, had children and am an old maid, technically. I would be close to the grave in a few years, old age of 30. But that's not how it is now. I have a long life ahead of me technically. How will I love again? Is it safe to say that what I ponder and wonder could all be true? People are puzzle pieces, some fit and some don't. I feel like I'm that weird piece that takes you hours to find it's place, the last piece. I think that's a good thing. I have observed many couples, I'm not a stalker I swear! I have looked in many people windows, watched them eat their meals and argue over television programs they want to watch, sat in corners of bars listening to couples on dates flirting back and forth. Just kidding, I don't know why I am such a freak, but I don't really do that. Anyway, my point is, I see some people settle. I did. At first. I don't know why I did, probably daddy issues, low self esteem at 16. Married the wrong one. I don't want to settle! I want butterflies, whistles and sunshine with a big band playing in the background. I want to be lame like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman. Leaping around a city  joyfully. It's fun.

Why am I writing this?  The bizarre inspiration is my ex husband. We are facebook friends and he is happy and in love. Frequently he posts updates that say  "I love Anna so much"  or "I'm so lucky to have found the woman of my dreams" and in a weird way, it makes me happy. I see that he has found someone that truly gets him,someone he can be with and love.

While him and I were married, he didn't like me. He didn't think I was funny and all we did was watch tv or ignore each other. I'd say a good 6 years was like this, 6 out of 9. The first three consisted of me partying with my friends while debbie downer stayed home and played computer games or talked on online forums. I partied hardy. Usually every night. And every night I'd ask him to join and he'd say nah, I don't like those people or I don't drink it wouldn't be fun. RED FLAGS AMANDA!! DUHHHH. Ignnored. I don't know what my deal was, why'd I stick around? I didn't fuck anyone, nor explored my sexuality as a young woman, made out with a chick, but who didn't when they were 17? I was faithful and devoted to a guy that didn't care to hang out with me and my friends. I guess I liked the security of always having someone there and the freedom to do what I want, so in a way it worked. Well, I got partied out at 21. Quit drinking so much after nearly dying of alcohol poisoning on my 21st Birthday and freaked out about 2012. Yeah, I became kind of paranoid and realized that God didn't exist. Out of no where I wanted to start a family. It was pretty odd. As a teenager I didn't want kids, so this surprised me. Braden had a decent job working for Milgard as a superviser, the economy was awesome. We got married and I got pregnant on our honeymoon.

It was a good time in my life, I was excited for the birth of my first child and felt I had a purpose, for the first time he treated me like I was important. After the birth of Connor we both fell in love with him. He was amazing,more than that, he was everything. I had never felt so much love for another person. I was grateful to have him and loved the experience of being a mother. When my son was almost a year old we decided to have another child, because I didn't want Connor to be an only child, yet I didn't want them far apart. So, after that decision I immediately conceived Evelyn. I am the goddess of fertility. haha...yikes, Braden lost his job. We had to actually spend time together. It was not a good situation. For about six months he was home, I did all the chores, diapers, baby feeding, baby holding...errands...pleased myself with porn...while he was in his "studio" making rap music. I was annoyed and he wasn't very nice to me. He got a job, then we moved around a bunch, wound up at his parents and I was in a deep depression. I was nearing my 25th Birthday and realized I had never fallen in love with anyone. I realized I was wasting my life with someone who didn't love me,someone who was miserable himself. I had to get out. For a good year I thought about leaving everyday. I confided in my mother and sister, begged for their help. Their advice was to save any dime I could. I couldn't though,I didn't do the budget and there was never any money left over. I spent it on the children or he spent it on band equipment. I didn't want to sneak around, I just wanted to leave. I was super lonely, needed an outlet. Created this blog. I began to write poetry again, the first time since my teens. It felt amazing! I had a release and was using my creativity. I had been talking to an old friend online and somehow learned he wrote as well. What I thought was innocent turned into a romance. Once I fell in love, I knew my marriage was over. I knew it was over a year before, but this confirmed it. I packed my bags and moved into my dads while he was in Hawaii. It was a lot of fun and stressful, but I was in love for the first time. I felt sexy. I felt wanted. I wanted him. I thought he was the most attractive thing in the world, it was just exhilirating. Reality didn't matter. I was in a euphoric stage. Chemicals...relation..connection....Love.

Fast forward to now. I am a single mom! Yay! Party! Why not? I get the weekends free. :)
It sucks. I am mentally strung out. I am the mom and dad all in one. It's really hard to balance that out.  I feel like I'm not as nuturting as I'd like to be, because I have to be firm and strong and discipline,yet comfort and remain calm...And when you've worked all day, have a house to clean, dinner to make and children to care for, you really don't have it all. You just do the best you can. You might make a half ass dinner, turn power rangers on and clean like a mad woman, but it still never feels good enough. And it's hard to think of women who have husbands who are there who help out or just support them. And then listen to your son ask you why you don't have a boyfriend. HAHA. I don't know what to say when he asks that, I just respond with " Mommy doesn't need one!" I love my kids and think they are at a fun age, but I cannot wait for them to be a little bit older, things will be a little easier. I just pray that I am not a single mom when they are teenagers,I don't know if I could handle two hormonal rebels on my own! And they will be rebels....

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