Most of my inspiration is from sadness...When I write, I create a release..I have no intention of causing depression from my poetry, if anything I appreciate the ability to express it.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

I trust that time will tell me like it has before....
That when I move through days, I'll still remember.
The months have paved over..
The bliss.
The pain...
Yet another year has passed...
And here I am at last...
I came to a point where I almost took my life,
for what was the reason? I believe it to be my mind.
Hell had taken over my peace, convinced me I'm not worth it, but I am.
I like to plan and have my path drawn out, like a map, a road a destination I sought...
It's absurd to have this mentality when your not mathematical.
I can't equate my future and be OCD, the only thing I'll get from that is insanity..
I've taken it in. I almost lost everything. I won't give in. I feel different...
I'm taking a vacation. No more over time on my own judgement.

I'm inspired to write this, but this hasn't been something I've woken up with. I have had some bad times. And I've looked back and I've realized a lot of the bad times were how I made them. Yeah, getting your foot run over is crazy and horrible, but I was crazy and crazy stuff happens to people who are...crazy. Even looking back further I think of my Myspace blog. Jeez, how silly. I complained so much and could make something simple sound devastating. Although that stomach flu Connor and I had was nasty, but what I just put up with this last week doesn't compare.Three people with the stomach toilet...yay! I just have come to a point where I know what I am. I know my weakness's, my strengths...And sometimes I fall down and have a hard time getting back up, because I keep throwing rocks and blunt objects at myself and my pride and then feel self pity. Absolutely pointless and a good way of wasting energy, not to mention bad for my health.
So, here's a list of all the shit that's happened and how I don't carry it with me or let it affect my life..anymore..and theres positive as therapy....

From the beginning and in somewhat of an order...

Abusive Father       =      Strong willed child
Childhood Vanity   =       Stylish Adult
Fire                       =       Comfortable in a courthouse
Longing for family  =       Making friends
Judgement from Family =  Understanding
Overprotective Mother = Love
Gastrointestinal issues   = Interest in medicine
Social dysfunction during puberty = Made me eccentric
Alcohol and Drug Abuse  = Introduction to culture
Low self esteem = Made me modest
Unhealthy teen relationship = Kept me stable
Unsatisfactory intimacy = Kept me from STDS
Dying Thyroid = Gave me intuition despite doctors
Accepting an unhealthy relationship and marriage = Gave me my son and daughter
Fear = Study paranormal
Loss = Appreciate loved ones
Unsupportive partner = Focus on myself
Separation = Brought me true love
Feminine related health issues = Was a mean lesson!
Miscarriage = Accepting reality no matter how sad it is
Divorce = Release
Car accident = Take better care of things
Heartbreak = Love yourself
Almost Abducted = Learn self defense
Weight loss induced stress = Oo sexy!
Eviction = Don't live with people off the internet
Theft = Never leave valuables in sight
Unhealthy habits =  Wake up call
Daughter's seizure = Awareness
Surgery = Vacation
Dealing with an A-hole Ex husband who thinks he's a better parent = Compassion
Losing hours due to ill children = Spending time with kids
Financial struggle = Enjoying simplicity
Loneliness = Music
Hair loss and hormone imbalance = Nutrition
Fear of losing job = Work harder.

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